Groceries for Jewish people who like to eat.

In this post: Gefilte fish, film festivals.

Happy Saturday morning from your friends at the Howdygram! We’re expecting an overcast, windy day here with temperatures in the low 80s and a 60% chance of severe thunderstorms on Sunday. This is perfectly swell with Sam and me because we have no real plans whatsoever except for cleaning out the garage, making tacos for lunch and picking up my 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish tomorrow night from a snooty house in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in north Dallas. In case you’re interested, Howdygram headquarters is indicated by a red star on the map below; the gefilte fish and arrow point to the aforementioned snooty house. (I’m not joking about the snooty part. The houses are all less than five years old and 6,000+ square feet with four-car garages. These are RICH PEOPLE.)

Plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape.

In this post: Gefilte fish.

Oh boy, people! I just got an email from the KC Kosher Co-Op to let me know they’ve got a bunch of unclaimed and highly-discounted Passover groceries from last week’s delivery in Dallas and I should tell them ASAP if there’s anything I want. AND THERE IS! I wrote back right away and called dibs on a 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish (pictured below) for only $4 a jar. In case you’re not a gefilte fish aficionado, that’s a STEAL! Pickup is set for Sunday night between 8 and 11 p.m. at the co-op’s regular drop-off location, which is a snooty mansion in north Dallas near George and Laura Bush’s house. Looks like plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape. (All I need now is an industrial-size drum of horseradish.) Mark your calendar!

Food peril in a modern world: Defending pickles & biscuits.

It probably won’t surprise any of you that the essential crapola in your refrigerator could kill you. The dangers du jour include: 1) overpriced cheese contaminated with Listeria courtesy of Whole Foods; 2) more than 50,000 pounds of ground beef at your favorite warehouse club store contaminated with E.coli bacteria; and 3) bagged salad containing the popular mix of romaine, iceberg lettuce and cyclospora parasites. Although the salad in item three has (so far) poisoned 350 people in 15 states, the FDA can’t exactly tell you which brand of bagged salad to avoid because it actually might be ALL of them.

From my viewpoint, the only safe and healthy meal left on planet earth is PICKLES & BISCUITS, my all-time favorite feast for every occasion. I refer specifically to easy little drop biscuits made from CarbQuik and water (the recipe’s on the box) and juicy Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles. If you care, I have to order my pickles from the KC Kosher Co-op because grocery stores in Dallas don’t sell anything Jewish. You can’t even find a stupid yahrzeit candle around here.

Big news, people ... I applied for my Social Security retirement benefits today! This makes it official: I’m a card-carrying, bona fide OLD LADY now, complete with a cane, corrective shoes, a monthly Social Security check and a leaky bladder. Tonight’s requisite celebration will include a bowl of chia seed pudding and the latest episode of “Project Runway.”

I’ve got a full and happy life. And (as always) another batch of new fonts.

Thank you for reading this.

Harry Truman looked like a middle-aged man when he was nine years old.

Practically every day of my life I get emails from Organizing for Action, President Obama’s political action committee. These include polls and questionnaires, frequent updates on every issue before Congress, opinions and ideas from everybody on Obama’s staff, press conference videos, speech transcripts, lists of the administration’s priorities, goals, challenges, disappointments and accomplishments, and — more recently — persistent requests to “join the good fight” with a bare-bones, grassroots group of community activitists here in Dallas. Obama’s Organizing for Action may be a swell bunch of fun, hard-working progressives, but I’ve got news for them: I’m better suited to ORGANIZING FOR NAPS. This is because: 1) I practically never go anywhere; 2) I hate wearing a brassiere; 3) I’ve got chronic pain and mobility issues that affect my mood, my stamina and my tolerance; and 4) people generally tend to piss me off for no reason at all.

I’m no community activist. I just want to write the Howdygram, watch “People’s Court” and  eat biscuits, PERIOD.

And now, for your possible interest, I’m pleased to post another image collection of celebrities when they were young. I think my favorite has to be Harry Truman, who clearly looked like a middle-aged man at the age of nine. Other cutie-pies are Julie Andrews, Ellen DeGeneres, Hillary Clinton and Paul Newman. (Don’t get me started on John Wayne. Was he gorgeous, or what?)

I’ve also got another edition of our Holy Crap Gallery to share with you, this time featuring a quartet of Hollywood sex symbols gone to seed. It’s sort of reassuring to know they all have the same aging issues — and obvious addiction to cheeseburgers — as the rest of us. Is it just me, or did Nick Nolte turn into a vagrant?

Time for a nice hot shower and a whole bunch of food, with special emphasis on the lovely half-sour pickles that I got today from the KC Kosher Co-Op. I ate one as soon as I got home from picking up my order but I need to eat a lot more of them. Like NOW.

Thank you for reading this.

The highlight of my week: A case of kosher pickles and 12 canisters of chicken soup mix.

By now you’ve probably noticed that I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday. This was due mostly to the fact that we had a lazy weekend and didn’t do very much. Sam needed a lot of sleep, which he got, and I made tuna salad. We also watched a few movies but I can’t remember which ones because I’m getting old.

One more reason I’m feeling my age: I read that Richie Havens died of a heart attack today. I loved this dude! Havens, who was 72, mostly recorded covers of other artists’ hits but turned them into his own personal triumphs with better vocals and instrumentals than the original recordings. Here’s Richie singing one of my personal favorites, George Harrison’s “Here Comes the Sun,” from Woodstock’s 40th anniversary back in in 2009.

I might be a little late to the picnic on this topic, but I’ve finally realized that the Internet is an appalling waste of time. After I dug up this terrific video of Richie Havens I spent THREE SOLID HOURS glued to YouTube watching a mashup of Judy Judy’s best cases. I think my favorite was a 40-year-old man suing a 13-year-old neighbor girl who didn’t pay him for the liquor and cigarettes he bought her. While this was probably worth three hours of my life, I haven’t eaten since 11:45 this morning and my blood sugar is plummeting. Holy crap.

For your possible interest, here’s what’s happening this week at Howdygram headquarters.

• The highlight of my week: Tomorrow is pickup day for my April order from the KC Kosher Co-Op. I have to drive into Dallas to meet the delivery truck at 5 p.m. in a ritzy Jewish neighborhood about a mile from George W. Bush’s house. This month’s loot includes a six-jar carton of Ba-tampte half-sour pickles and 12 canisters of Kosher Carmel chicken soup mix.
• My maid service will be here Wednesday at 1:30.
• The big season 11 “Project Runway” finale is Thursday night at 8 Central time. I’m ready, people.
• Sam has an appointment with an ophthalmologist Friday morning to discuss cataract surgery.

I didn’t think I’d run across another Putz of the Week candidate so soon after honoring Louie Gohmert in my last post, but there’s definitely an abundance of right-wing cretins waiting for the Howdygram’s acknowledgement. This time it’s Minnesota’s ultra-conservative radio host Bob Davis, who announced on the air that Sandy Hook families can “go to hell” for infringing on his gun rights.

On Friday Davis was discussing the Newtown tragedy during his talk show on Twin Cities News Talk AM 1130 and launched into a hideous tirade about how family members of the 26 victims — who were mostly 6 and 7 years old — are suddenly advocates for gun control. Here’s a direct quote of his remarks. You’d better have a barf bag handy.

“I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown, or any other shooting. I don’t care if it’s here in Minneapolis or anyplace else. Just because a bad thing happened to you doesn’t mean that you get to put a king in charge of my life. I’m sorry that you suffered a tragedy, but you know what? Deal with it, and don’t force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss. I’m sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on Air Force One, hauled into the Senate, and everyone is just afraid — they’re terrified of these victims. I would stand in front of them and tell them GO TO HELL.”

I have news for you Bob: The families of those children are already in hell and I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU’RE GOING TO JOIN THEM. And while I’m at it, isn’t it amazing how these loudmouth right-wing sacks of poo can spout liberty and freedom when it comes to their stupid guns but have no problem refusing women the right to a legal abortion? I’m just saying.

Whew.

It’s almost 9 p.m. and I’d better figure out immediately what I want for dinner and shlep myself into the kitchen. Leftover Chinese sounds like the perfect option because it’s also the fastest option. Thank you for reading this!

Today is a pickles & biscuits kind of day!

The sun is shining, it’s 78° and today is a pickles & biscuits kind of day! I’m actually leaning towards Five-Minute Stupid Soup for dinner, but what the hell ... I can do pickles & biscuits tomorrow instead.

A brief thought from today’s “whine list.” I got up again in the middle of the night feeling weird and wobbly, this time with symptoms that included: 1) low blood sugar; 2) a runny nose; 3) dizziness; 4) electric shocks in my right ankle; 5) tingly hands; and 6) a craving for Velveeta. I researched WebMD.com for almost an hour and regret to report that these six symptoms apparently appear together nowhere in the annals of medical science. Items 1, 3, 4 and 5 clearly are linked to my diabetes; it’s 2 and 6 that baffle me. If you have any insight into this situation please send me an email and offer as much free advice as possible. Thank you in advance.

Next, for your possible interest ... a Wednesday recap! There were a number of huge hoo-hahs going on here and I thought you might like to know how they all turned out. Or not.

Huge hoo-hah #1. I was still in bed yesterday morning when Macy’s showed up to swap the saggy sectional in our family room. The new sofa looks beautiful and we’re happy as hell to have a free do-over. Sam briefly mentioned why don’t we get a gigantic plastic slipcover but I doubt if he’s ever tried to take a nap on plastic.

Huge hoo-hah #2. Our maid was here in the afternoon, and once again Howdygram headquarters is spotless and adorable. Let me know if you want her phone number because she does a terrific job and even cleans baseboards, silk plants and the inside of your refrigerator. She’s also really cheap.

Huge hoo-hah #3. My big Gefilte Fish Excursion was a resounding success (see previous post). The entire procedure was efficient and nicely organized, with dozens of adorable little bar mitzvah boys running up and down the street distributing crates of kosher food to a line of waiting vehicles. I was home by 6:15 and eating gefilte fish by 6:30. I will definitely buy from the KC Kosher Co-Op again! Their next Dallas delivery is April 23 and I’m ordering cases of Ba-tampte Half-Sour Pickles (six jars) and Carmel Kosher Chicken Soup Mix (12 canisters). Let me know if you want to come for dinner.

Huge hoo-hah #4. Last night Sam and I finally tore into the two gigantic cartons from Netrition.com that arrived on Tuesday and spread the bounty all over the kitchen table, which currently resembles a Kroger warehouse (see below). So much fabulous crap, and it’s all for me!

My next project involves trying to put everything away, although I might have to wait for Sam to get home from work because it’s not easy to shelp armloads of groceries when you’re a senior citizen with a cane and only have one available hand. Servants would be helpful except I don’t know any.

And now it’s time for dinner. I’m having a big pot of Stupid Soup (mentioned at the beginning of this post) and a beautiful slab of the low-carb bread I made last night. I’ll enjoy dessert during “Project Runway” ... a low-carb milk chocolate bar dunked into Walden Farms zero-calorie marshmallow dip. I’m hyperventilating. Thank you for reading this.

Do not get out of your car under any circumstances.

At last … the Howdygram’s Gefilte Fish Festival starts on Wednesday! I just got a final email update from the KC Kosher Co-Op with directions for picking up my order. It reads like a spy novel and corresponds to the map that follows below.

• Bring a copy of your paid invoice, folded in thirds.
• Follow Churchill Way westbound (figure 1) to Hughes Lane and turn north (figure 2).
• Turn east on Dykes Way (figure 3) to Gramercy.
• Turn south on Gramercy (figure 4) and park along the right curb. 
• Stay in your car. DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
• The delivery truck will be parked facing west on Turner Way (figure 5) and the driver will wave each car forward one at a time. Dallas police will be on hand to prevent a kosher chicken riot.

Apparently they’re expecting an enormous mob ... every grocery-loving Jewish person in the Dallas/Fort Worth metropolitan area will be there to collect the essential crapola they ordered for Passover, such as crates of grape juice, matzo meal, brisket, coloring books, frozen blintzes, nosh, beet borscht, pickles and those all-important Manischewitz Tam-Tams (the kind that taste like onion rolls). Oy, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it! It’s almost as good as a Star Trek convention except everybody’s Jewish!

There’s breaking news tonight from our Holy Crap, He Can’t Be Serious department. Fresh from his diplomatic success in North Korea, after which Kim Jong Un immediately threatened the United States with thermonuclear war, embarrassing pea-brain Dennis Rodman is on now his way to Rome to meet with the new Pope, anxious to spread his international NBA gospel of love through nose rings, tattoos and basketball. I hope cameras are rolling when he tries to weasel his way into the Vatican because the world can always use fresh material for late-night comedy.

And now it’s time for a nice hot shower followed by my third-favorite snack: strawberry jello and sugar-free Cool Whip. In case you give a crap, my second-favorite snack is Slim Jims with American cheese singles, and the top spot is held by cheap dill pickles, low-carb biscuits and sugar-free chocolate soy milk. I love my life!

Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman deserve each other.

Here we go again. I’m wide awake at 4 a.m., the neuropathy in my hands and feet is making me nuts, and North Korea’s child dictator, Kim Jong Un (pictured at right), is still threatening to start a nuclear war and annihilate the United States. Making the situation even worse is that horse’s ass Dennis Rodman, who announced plans to return to North Korea in August to vacation with Kim. These two stupid turds deserve each other. Holy crap.

I do have some good news to report, however. The Howdygram’s spring Gefilte Fish Festival will finally get underway on Wednesday — one day later than originally expected — after I pick up my incoming order from the KC Kosher Co-Op. The truck will pull up at 5 p.m. in front of a snooty house in Preston Hollow that’s not far too from George and Laura Bush’s armed compound. Apparently the entire Jewish community shows up for this event because there’s nowhere else in Dallas to buy kosher food and this is the last delivery before Passover. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Kosher Co-Op’s drop-off point; and C) Dubya’s 7,500 square foot mansion with a fence so high you can’t shoot spitballs over the top. (Actually, I’ve never tried. This sounds like a fun project for a Saturday afternoon.)

I’m hoping somebody will be kind enough on Wednesday to help load my gefilte fish into the back seat of my car because I can’t walk with a cane and lift a crate of two-pound glass jars all by myself. Fortunately I think I still have enough time to practice looking pathetic. (This won’t be much of a stretch, believe me.) 

If I don’t get some sleep I’ll be a zombie today. Try not to make any noise for a few hours, okay?

Tiger, tax returns and waiting for gefilte fish.

Despite a seriously crappy start to the weekend (see previous post) it all ended on a positive note and included a number of enjoyable activities. They were, in no particular order whatsoever: 1) e-filing our Federal tax return; 2) eating mozzarella sticks; 3) viewing a weak yet mildly entertaining Saturday night thundershower; 4) Sunday lunch at Cafe Greek because a girl can never get too much baked fish with crunchy sesame seeds; and 5) watching Tiger Woods win the Cadillac Championship and toasting his victory with soy milk and American cheese singles.

I don’t know what’s on your agenda, but for me the week ahead is filled with anticipation and promise. Sam is getting his hair cut tomorrow, on Wednesday morning Macy’s is replacing our saggy sectional sofa, my maid will be here to clean toilets around noon and I’m expecting a number of exciting UPS deliveries sometime before dinner ... an insanely huge order of low-carb crap from Netrition.com, Ziploc freezer bags from Amazon and a bunch of insulated socks from Wal-Mart because Sam’s toes are too damn cold. On Thursday I watch “Project Runway.”

Tuesday, by the way, was supposed to be opening day of the Howdygram’s spring Gefilte Fish Festival, but it’s been postponed due to a delayed shipment from the KC Kosher Co-Op and no gefilte fish. We’re hoping there won’t be any problems with crowd control. Stay tuned for further developments and thank you for reading this.

Dennis Rodman is the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week.

Important things first. You may or may not be aware that the Howdygram’s spring Gefilte Fish Festival was slated to begin on March 12. Unfortunately, I regret to report that it’s being postponed due to snow in New England and a wimpy driver for the KC Kosher Co-Op who can’t make it to the warehouse this weekend to load his truck. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, an earlier post from February 1 will provide a little background. At this point all I can say is, I’m stuck with three big jars of horseradish and ZERO GEFILTE FISH. Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates. Thank you.

Behind the Candelabra premieres on HBO May 26, a biopic about Liberace and the attractive live-in chauffeur half his age who famously sued him for palimony. I have no idea what the hell lured a couple of A-listers like Michael Douglas and Matt Damon into a screwy made-for-TV project like this unless HBO offered them each $15 million and a free lifetime supply of hair gel.

Frankly, I think this magazine cover is frightening because Michael Douglas’ face is so grotesquely over-Photoshopped that he’s turned into a completely different person, as the image below clearly illustrates. WTF.

And now I’m pleased to announce the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week! It’s former basketball celebrity Dennis Rodman, who just returned from a good will tour of North Korea, the garden spot of Asia, planned in its entirety without approval from the U.S. State Department because nobody in their right mind would ever willingly set foot in North Korea. How the hell do you even get there?

North Korea is a famine-ridden slab of utter misery ruled by Kim Jong Un, the well-fed twentysomething son of a deceased cult leader. The aforementioned well-fed son threatens at least once a week to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the United States even though North Korea does not, technically, have the skill or wherewithal to tie a nuclear bomb onto a ballistic missile. It is commonly believed that he continues to make these imbecilic threats in order to justify starving his citizens to pay for military expansion and lots of uniforms. North Koreans LOVE uniforms. They also love to inform on their friends and relatives in exchange for food and face life in forced labor camps for refusing to do so.

Rodman, a weird, pierced, card-carrying putz who’s never been the sharpest knife in the drawer, might want to be a little more discriminating in his choice of buddies. During his visit to North Korea he forged a bond with the little tinpot dictator — calling him a “terrific kid” who’s “loved by his people” — that’s already gotten him kicked out of a fancy hotel for refusing to shut the hell up about it, particularly since the aforementioned terrific kid continues to threaten a nuclear holocaust. In case you haven’t seen it, check out Rodman’s appalling interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC. Holy crap.

There’s rain in the forecast here this weekend. The lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are predicting a 70% chance for tomorrow — including thunder — but I’ll believe it when I see it. We haven’t had rain in such a long time I almost don’t remember what it looks like. Thank you for reading this.

Not everybody needs 24 kosher chickens or 36 boxes of Frankel’s frozen blintzes.

Holy crap, people. I just placed my first-ever order with the KC Kosher Co-Op for a case of Mrs. Adler’s sugar-free gefilte fish! The co-op doesn’t ship anything directly to me, however, they send a refrigerated 18-wheeler to somebody’s actual house in Dallas and I have to show up on a specific delivery date (March 12) at a specific time (5 p.m.) along with dozens of other Jewish foodies to pick up my products.

The co-op sells just about anything that’s kosher and it’s all priced at wholesale with no delivery charge. Tonight I paid the equivalent of $4.75 each for a case of 12 jars of gefilte fish, and that’s less than HALF what I’d pay at Tom Thumb. Technically, though, Tom Thumb doesn’t carry sugar-free gefilte fish, and most of the time they don’t have any gefilte fish at all. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the co-op’s drop-off location in Dallas; and C) George Bush’s house on Daria Place. Let me know if you want George’s exact address so you can look it up on Google maps.

I don’t need horseradish, however. Horseradish I’ve already got plenty. (That last sentence sure sounds Yiddish, doesn’t it?)

For the record, every other month the KC Kosher Co-Op trucks food to cities all over the U.S. that have Jewish populations and very few kosher shopping options (Dallas, Phoenix, Minneapolis, and so on). Their website even facilitates order splitting with other customers at your delivery location since most products they sell are packaged by the case and not everybody needs 24 kosher chickens or 36 boxes of Frankel’s frozen blintzes. If my first order works out well maybe I’ll do this again. Stay tuned, okay?

Sam is taking next week off work and we’re so damn excited we might have a nervous breakdown. We’ve got a growing agenda of stuff we want to do, including one or two museums, a trip to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma for a day of penny slots, and lunches at Cafe Greek, Hong Kong Royal and Sam’s Barbecue in Fairfield. But most exciting of all ... tomorrow we’re going to the Natural Grocer on Preston Road so I can buy ZERO CARB BREAD! It’s possible I might have a second nervous breakdown dreaming about grilled cheese and buttered toast. (Diabetics never get to eat grilled cheese and buttered toast.)

May you live and be well. Happy February.

Free Slurpees, an exciting new gadget and gefilte fish investments.

Let’s start with the biggest news story first, okay? Until 7 p.m. today you can get FREE SLURPEES AT 7-ELEVEN! And this even includes their new SUGAR-FREE Slurpees! Giveaways are genuinely wonderful and you shouldn’t miss this opportunity to save money while ingesting a large pile of dyed, artificially-flavored and chemically-altered slush.

I also want to include another edition of the Howdygram’s popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a trio of iconic female celebrities: Dolly Parton, Lauren Hutton and Marlo Thomas. Just between us, Lauren Hutton scares the hell out of me.

Here’s something cool. Sam and I visited the Apple Store online yesterday and ordered ourselves an iPad that will be here TOMORROW. This is our first real wireless device — we don’t even own smartphones — not counting my cordless mouse and it’s partially an investment for the road trip we’re planning next month so we won’t go insane without the Internet and email. Holy crap, is this exciting or what? I can’t wait to start shopping for apps. This might be more fun than hunting for gefilte fish discounts on Amazon.

Please note. The aforementioned Amazon gefilte fish discounts apparently have dried up since Passover ended and there are no current deals available anywhere unless you decide to shop at the KC Kosher Co-op, where you can get 24 oz. jars of Manischewitz for $6.86 each when you buy a case of 12, shipping included. However I don’t know if I’m ready to invest $82.30 in gefilte fish at the present time, particularly since our pantry is already stuffed with 36 cans of assorted Loma Linda fake meat and the world’s largest bag of tortilla chips from Costco.

Thank you for reading this.

I’ll never be ready for Newt Gingrich in spandex.

After I posted last night about the grand opening of our brand new Central Market — with the huge Kosher department and New York deli — located at the most congested retail intersection in Dallas, I figured I’d better snag an alternate source for Jewish groceries because I’m positive I’ll never find parking even if I show up before the employees. So I hunted around on the Internet and — glorioski! — discovered the KC Kosher Co-op, a brilliant organization that trucks Kosher food to deprived cities all over the United States when they can’t find matzo meal, beet borscht or macaroons in their local supermarkets. Dallas, thank God, is on the list. So are Houston, Atlanta, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Memphis and Phoenix, to name a few.

The Co-op carries absolutely EVERYTHING ... thousands of products and thousands of brands at prices that actually border on wholesale. You place an order by a certain date each month and four weeks later they send a truck full of groceries to a specific location and you show up to collect your loot. The only snag? You have to buy in bulk, such as a dozen jars of gefilte fish, 10 pounds of frozen Kosher chickens, 24 boxes of matzo. Fortunately the Co-op’s website has a feature that lets you arrange to split an order with somebody else in your city in the event you have no pressing need for three gallons of Manischewitz grape juice.

I registered with the Co-op online this morning and hope to place an order in time for Passover even though Sam and I are only observant when a holiday involves matzo balls. Stay tuned for further updates, okay?

And now, in breaking news from our Gouge My Eyes Out department, apparently former presidential candidates Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain have turned down separate offers to appear on “Dancing with the Stars,” a pointless competition that encourages untalented, uncoordinated and sweaty D-list celebrity wannabes to humiliate themselves to music on national television. While they’re wearing spandex.

This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities, since I never really considered all the different ways that former and current presidential candidates could entertain the American people. For example ...

Thank you for reading this.