The Howdygram

A vote for Newt is a vote for “space mirrors.”

2012-01-28T23:09:00.000-06:00

I am desperately tired right now. I can’t keep my eyes open and it almost feels as though I haven’t slept for a couple of days, which is not the case at all. It’s 10:45 and Marcy the night owl is actually thinking about going to bed. But first, courtesy of TheWeek.com, here are four of the craziest ideas ever proposed by Newt “Tweedledum” Gingrich, the GOP’s nastiest excuse for a presidential candidate. In addition to promising voters that we’ll colonize the moon by 2020 and establish it as our 51st state, Newt has also suggested that we:

Shoot lasers at North Korea. Newt has pledged to use “unconventional methods” to stop North Korea from launching a missile, including the Airborne Laser, a top-secret secret jumbo jet that’s fitted with a missile-zapping energy cannon.
Launch “orbital death rays.” In 2002 Newt told PBS that space lasers shot from an orbiting satellite would be the key to stopping Russian and Chinese missiles. (This is basically the plot of Diamonds Are Forever.)
Kill marijuana smugglers. Newt sponsored the Drug Importer Death Penalty Act of 1996, whereby anybody convicted of bringing more than two ounces of pot into the United States — two ounces? — would receive a mandatory life sentence. Repeat offenders would be executed. He neglected to suggest where we would incarcerate the entire population of Mexico or how we’d fund the extra prisons.
Reduce crime with “space mirrors.” In 1984 Newt promoted an idea to install giant mirrors in space to illuminate the night sky like a lot of full moons, making streetlights obsolete and preventing criminals from jumping out of dark alleys to scare the crap out of you.

He’s certifiably insane. Thank you for reading this.

AT&T, the Einstein communications powerhouse.

2012-01-28T17:38:00.000-06:00

I wasn’t planning to write another post at this point in the day but changed my mind a couple of minutes ago when I checked email and found this adorable photo from Aunt Adie, taken yesterday at Venice Beach. Are these guys cute, or what? They even match the landscape!

And then a few minutes ago I get an email from AT&T U-Verse announcing that my monthly bill is now available in video format — what the hell? — and all I have to do is click the link to view it. They say it’s “an additional way to help you understand the billing details of your award winning U-Verse service.”

I click the link and — take your best guess here — it doesn’t work. So I close the browser page and start over. No luck. But the third time’s a charm for AT&T because now their little video swings into action. It plays for five whole seconds and stops dead, then teeny little numbers start lurching slowly from 1 to 100. The counter stops dead twice. When the video finally reloads it plays for another five seconds and stops dead again, more teeny little numbers lurching to 100, and so on. Play. Stop. Die. Lurch. Play. Stop. Die. Lurch. I waste half an hour of my life horsing around with a three-minute video produced by Einstein & Company. I’m definitely feeling inspired now to recommend “award winning U-Verse service” to everybody I know. (This post ought to take care of that.)

Incidentally, the aforementioned “lurching number” is circled in red in the image above. I hate these things.

Time for a hot shower and dinner. Thanks for stopping by!

Public schools give me a migraine.

2012-01-28T12:09:00.004-06:00

Good morning, shalom and welcome to Potato Salad Day here at Howdygram headquarters. My big mixing bowl is out on the counter and my hard-boiled eggs are shelled. The next step involves cooking some actual potatoes, which is at the top of my agenda as soon as I finish this post. You can check out my world-famous recipe here.

I’m pleased to report that I slept very well last night. My toes didn’t hurt and my hands weren’t hot. As a matter of fact, I didn’t get out of bed this morning till the crack of 10:30 and didn’t even wake up when Sam called at 9. (Apparently I thought I dreamed the phone was ringing and just rolled over.)

And now, here’s a little something from our Knee-Jerk Reaction Department. I read an article this morning that the principal of Pottsdown Middle School in Pennsylvania has banned “open top boots” — such as those popular but stupid-looking Uggs (see below) — in classrooms because students are sneaking in contraband items hidden in their boots. The school is referring specifically to cell phones, which students are not allowed to bring to class.

I have two questions for Principal Einstein. First, how the hell can boots have “closed” tops? And second, don’t cell phones also fit in a pocket or backpack? Public schools give me a migraine. I’m just saying.

One final thought. A few thousand years ago when I was in middle school I wanted to dress like a GIRL, not like a sherpa heading for base camp at Mount Everest. Thank you for reading this.

Missing Sam.

2012-01-27T22:17:00.000-06:00

Hi. It’s 9:45 p.m. and I’ve had just about all the activity a person can stand for one day. I emptied the dishwasher, re-bandaged a toe, ordered in Chinese food, talked to Sam long-distance in California, considered eating a piece of cake and watched an amazing movie called Letter from an Unknown Woman with Joan Fontaine and Louis Jourdan (see photo). Incidentally, the Einsteins who rate these films for our AT&T U-Verse cable guide gave it 3½ stars — the same as Dinner for Schmucks, which is AT&T’s benchmark for excellence in filmmaking, and Ben-Hur — so you know it must be awfully damn special.

Breaking news ... SAM COMES HOME ON SUNDAY! To say I’ve missed him would be the understatement of the century because it’s awfully dull around here when he’s gone. Not only is Sam the life of the party, he’s cuddly, exceptionally attractive and the Howdygram’s official mascot. (He’ll kill me for that.) First, however, I have a number of projects scheduled for tomorrow (Saturday), such as making a mountain of my world-famous homemade potato salad, ordering a 12-pack of Bounty select-a-size paper towels from Walmart and trying not to destroy any additional toes in the process. Sam’s flight gets in at 5:30 Sunday and I’ll be there to pick him up.

Click here to send Sam a welcome home email. Thank you.

Toes, part two, and how to plan ahead for Thin Mints.

2012-01-27T12:56:00.000-06:00

The baby toe on my left foot? I think it’s BROKEN. That’s the one I smashed into the leather bench in the master bedroom at 3:30 this morning when I didn’t have the brains to turn on a light. The toenail has turned a motley shade of blue/black, the actual toe is swollen — which is tricky to detect because my baby toes have always been lumpy little things, anyway — and the whole side of my foot hurts like hell. The toe on my other foot, the one I crushed on a corner of the sectional last night, finally stopped throbbing a couple of hours ago but it’s still wrapped in a bandage and hurts like hell because a huge chunk of skin has gone missing.

I guess I should apologize if this is a little too much information. I’ve barely had five hours of sleep, walking sucks, I don’t want to wear shoes and I refuse to leave the house. (I’m not particularly interested in wearing a brassiere, either, but this has nothing whatsoever to do with my toes.) Quite frankly, I need CAKE.

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock somewhere, the Howdygram is pleased to announce that Girl Scout cookie season starts next month! As a matter of fact, if you go to the Girl Scout cookies website you can type in your zip code and find out exactly how many minutes and miles away you are from shoveling a box of Thin Mints into your face. Apparently here in Mesquite we’ll be able to find cookie fairies in front of every Walmart, Kroger, Tom Thumb, Minyard’s, Albertson’s and Lowe’s. Lowe’s?

In my case, of course, I don’t do Girl Scout cookies because they’re loaded with sugar and I’m diabetic, so Sam usually gets suckered in at the office. Last year he wound up eating an entire sleeve of Thin Mints and came home at midnight with the jitters and a migraine headache. Never again. This year the Howdygram cookie police are on high alert.

Thank you for reading this.

There’s no business like toe business.

2012-01-27T05:28:00.003-06:00

First things first. I’m turning off lights in the family room last night, getting ready to go to sleep, when I walk into the edge of our sectional and crush a toe ... the exact same spot where I crushed another toe three weeks ago and ripped off the entire nail.

But I digress.

Limping and bleeding I shlep into the bedroom, sit on the bed and manage to wrap a bandage around my toe after three tries. I lie down but can’t get comfortable or fall asleep because my foot is throbbing like a jackhammer so I figure I’ll get up watch a Doris Day movie. However, I forget that I’m home alone and it’s okay to turn on a light so I slam into the leather bench at the foot of the bed and smash a toe on my OTHER foot. By now I’m in no mood for Doris Day whatsoever. I’d be much happier with Bride of Chucky or a chainsaw murder.

In case you missed this in the news yesterday, Robert Hegyes, the character who played Juan Epstein on “Welcome Back Kotter” in the mid-197os, died of a heart attack at age 60 ... the same age as me. (I suppose I should stop carrying on about my toes now.)

I have no idea what Hegyes did after “Kotter” went off the air in 1978 aside from a couple of commercials and turning gray. Gabe Kaplan, however, the comedian who played the actual role of “Kotter” (see left), is now a professional poker player and looks a lot like the dude who changes our oil at Jiffy Lube. Except the Jiffy Lube dude shaves.

And now for some comic relief, I give you the delusional GOP crackpot, Newt Gingrich (see right). Pandering to an out-of-work aerospace crowd in Florida yesterday he decides to announce that when we elect him President he’ll colonize the moon and turn it into a state by 2020. Judging from Newt’s racist views about lazy blacks on welfare and abolishing child labor laws so schools fire their janitors and force poor minority students to clean the toilets, let’s guess who he’d send to the moon to set up that first colony. (Think there’s any chance we can convince Newt to be governor? I’ll help him pack.)

I should try to get some sleep because it’s almost time for breakfast. Thank you for reading this.

“Craving incontinence.” Let’s search for a cure.

2012-01-26T11:36:00.000-06:00

And now for something weird. I woke up this morning at 8:30 with one thought in my head … an excursion to Gio’s Deli in Dallas for chopped liver, a couple of half-sour dills and a knish. I need chopped liver bad. Except it’s raining again and I don’t especially want to drive around town on wet freeways. I figure if it stops by noon (it’s supposed to) I’ll go to Gio’s later on instead. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Gio’s Deli on Preston Road.

I guess the weather gods felt my pain because it stops raining at 10:30, the sun comes out, and I’m thinking, glorioski, CHOPPED LIVER! I jump in the shower, blow-dry my hair, and by the time I’m done shpritzing myself with Estee Lauter I no longer have any craving for chopped liver whatsoever and my attention turns to washing a load of towels, reheating leftover soup and making hard-boiled eggs.

I actually find it frightening to be suffering from “craving incontinence,” a non-contagious disorder whereby senior citizens are unable retain a simple craving for more than 15 minutes at a time. While the condition can sometimes be attributed to not wanting to bother with shoes and a brassiere, in most cases the aforementioned senior citizen just forgets the craving altogether and moves on. I seriously hope there’s a pill for this and it’s available as a generic.

Thank you for reading this.

Clients, cake, rain and Cheez-Its.

2012-01-26T01:55:00.000-06:00

I know you’ve been waiting for the official news. The Dallas area has received 4¾" of rain during the last 36 hours, bringing our monthly total to 6½" — three times the average rainfall for January — with more expected later this morning. We tripled our average rainfall last month, too. I’m almost starting to get excited about this!

Once again I’m being bombarded by a ton of client projects, and it’s been pretty much nonstop since the first of the year with requests for website updates, tweaks or complete redesigns. I charge a pile of money to do this (Sam loves it when I charge a pile of money) but I have to work on my attitude a little because most of the time I just want everybody to GET LOST.

I’m wondering if any of you have ever seen the musical “Sweeney Todd”? TCM aired the 1982 made-for-TV movie last night, which was technically a televised broadcast of the Broadway show with music by Stephen Sondheim and starring Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Lovett, the whack job who baked humans into meat pies. Just between us, I do NOT understand the public’s ongoing fascination with this disgusting musical about a serial killer and a cannibal. The whole experience was so damn disturbing I almost couldn’t eat my cake and Cheez-Its.

Bedtime at last. Thanks for stopping by.

No, Bubba, your pickup truck won’t float.

2012-01-25T21:40:00.000-06:00

First, I’d like to share a couple of photos taken this morning in north Dallas following a night of torrential rain. All the ramps and underpasses to the LBJ Freeway were flooded and underwater, and emergency crews were staying busy with high water rescues because apparently the fine citizens of Dallas think their pickup trucks can FLOAT.

And now here’s one for the record books. Ralph Shortey, a nutjob Republican state senator from Oklahoma City, introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban the use of aborted human fetuses in food even though he’s never actually heard of any company that’s doing this. Undeterred, Shortey said his own research led him to believe such a ban is absolutely necessary and his bill is aimed at “raising public awareness.” However, the executive director of Oklahomans for Life, a group that’s pushed some of the weirdest anti-abortion laws in the country through the state’s legislature, said he’s never heard of human fetuses being used in food or food research and basically thinks Shortey is an idiot. Although maybe not in those exact words.

Seriously, Ralphie ... fetuses in food? You don’t think state lawmakers are already wasting enough time? Why not introduce a bill to ban hamster pee in soft drinks or toe jam in Twinkies? (I’m feeling ill.)

Incidentally, I apologize if anybody is offended by the can of Campbell’s soup that appears in this post. It’s a joke. This is NOT a photo of an actual product.

Thank you for reading this.

Get ready to rumble!

2012-01-25T05:49:00.000-06:00

I’m having a crappy night’s sleep for one reason and one reason only ... GREAT BIG THUNDERSTORMS! They’ve been rolling through here for the last three or four hours with plenty of lightning, boomers and rain so heavy it sounds like a herd of buffalo running by the bedroom window. So I finally got up, poured myself a nice Marcy-tini and shlepped into the study to find out what’s happening on Weather.com. Here, for your possible interest, is the whole shebang.

The big red star denotes Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. If you zoom in I’m the cute one in the blue robe with squinty eyes because it’s 5 a.m. It’s okay to wave back if you want to.

In other news, the Alliance for Biking & Walking’s 2012 benchmark report indicates that Dallas is just about the worst big city in the United States when it comes to people riding their bikes to work. Seriously? Who the hell wants to ride a bicycle to work in Dallas? For eight months every year we’ve got temperatures above 90° with subtropical humidity, so commuting on a bike would only make sense if you work two blocks from home and stack dishes for a living at Sonny Bryan’s Smokehouse, where everybody else has heat stroke, too.

We also run the risk of getting trampled by wild man Rick Perry in a pickup truck or a gang of longhorns looking for greener pastures. No thanks. I’ll keep my Hyundai.

I should probably try to get a little more sleep so I won’t nod off watching “People’s Court” this afternoon. Thank you for reading this.

Celebrating homemade soup, frosted cake and a flood at White Rock Creek.

2012-01-24T23:39:00.000-06:00

I’m pleased to report that I’ve had a thoroughly worthwhile and productive day. I made a gigantic pot of homemade soup, baked and frosted a sugar-free chocolate cake, cleaned up the kitchen twice, spent three hours working on client projects, wrote several Howdygram posts beginning at 5:30 this morning, took two delicious naps, listened to the rain and watched the State of the Union address.

I also enjoyed a couple of good movies (see below) ... a 1944 biopic about Woodrow Wilson surprisingly titled Wilson with Alexander Knox, and an odd Hitchcock costume drama from 1949 called Under Capricorn with Ingrid Bergman. (I believe I slept through a significant portion of the latter. Sorry, Ingrid.)

For all you weather nerds out there, we’ve already had an inch of rain today with two more inches expected overnight and another two inches expected tomorrow. This will make a very significant dent in our “extreme drought” situation, and apparently White Rock Creek in Dallas is already at flood stage. Yee-haw! A flood!

The map above indicates: A) the location where White Rock Creek always overflows at Northwest Highway; and B) White Rock Lake, which is surrounded by lots of very snooty homes.

To wrap up an otherwise perfect day I think it’s time to unwind, eat cake and watch tonight’s episodes of “Tabatha Takes Over” and “Hardcore Pawn.” Thank you for reading this, and I mean it sincerely.

Highlights from Kazakhstan Fashion Week.

2012-01-24T16:59:00.002-06:00

With torrential rain less than 10 minutes away I thought I’d write a quickie post before I curl up in the family room with a movie and a bowl of homemade soup that smells so good I almost can’t stand it. The red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters, and all that crazy weather is moving to the northeast and heading straight for Mesquite. I plan to keep my feet dry no matter what.

It’s NOT just Paris and New York! And now for the fashionistas among you, here’s a peek at six designer runway shows from Fashion Week events around the world. Kazakhstan? Who knew! The designer’s name appears under each photo. (Frankly, I’d be too embarrassed to admit it.)

Nice touch with the slurpee eye cups, Frankenstein shoulder pads and that plaid jock strap. Much like modern art and all that B.S. about beauty and the eye of the beholder, the photos above offer ample proof that “shit sells.” (In Kazakhstan, anyway.)

I need soup. Thank you for stopping by.

Glorioski! We’re actually expecting rain!

2012-01-24T05:36:00.000-06:00

Yo. It’s 5 a.m. and all’s well in north Texas although I have no idea why I’m awake at this hour because I didn’t actually go to bed until 1:45. But I figure if I’m up, you might be up, too, so I’ll sit here and write. Give me a little nudge if I start to nod off, okay?

Since Howdygramsters are known far and wide as engaged and model citizens, here’s a reminder to watch President Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. It’s on at 8 p.m. (Central time) and should turn out to be quite a major hoo-hah when you consider all the crappy, contentious, disrespectful blowhards sitting in Congress right now.

In case you’re interested in professional golf you also might want to check out the HSBC Golf Championship in Abu Dhabi later this week. The Golf Channel will be airing it live, which means you’d have to get up in the middle of the night with a Marcy-tini and a baloney sandwich to help you stay awake. (Frosted cake works nicely, too.) Another network will probably televise the final two days of competition (on Saturday and Sunday) during normal hours for the U.S. audience so please keep an eye on the Howdygram for additional details. Incidentally, Tiger Woods is scheduled to play. Go, Tiger! Thank you.

This ends the Howdygram’s public service announcements for January 24.

Glorioski! Did somebody do a rain dance? I’m pleased to post the following map from Weather.com, clearly indicating A VERY SERIOUS RAIN EVENT for Texas today, tonight and tomorrow. Although they’re NOT predicting thunder or severe weather, you’ll note that Dallas is in the “yellow” zone, which means we’re expecting up to 5" of rainfall ... and that’s very good news for our lakes, reservoirs, lawns and trees. (Plus the cattle are sick of drinking Dr. Pepper.)

After I go back to bed for a while — something I absolutely plan to do within the next 15 minutes — I’ll spend the morning making homemade soup since my fridge is stuffed with all the beautiful crapola I bought yesterday at Tom Thumb. By the way, I always make enough to share so please send an email if you’re interested.

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, Einstein, the Oklahoma dust bowl really sucked.

2012-01-23T23:07:00.002-06:00

This is no surprise. The Einsteins at Weather.com just revised our forecast (see my earlier post) and it seems that we’re no longer expecting any thunderstorms whatsoever ... just a 90% chance of rain from Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday evening. I’m fully confident they’ll revise it yet again by tomorrow morning until the forecast turns into mostly sunny and 65° with a light breeze from the Gulf so we can all dust off the patio furniture and sit outside with a sandwich. Seriously ... unless somebody starts delivering significant rainfall around here we’ll end up like the Oklahoma dust bowl (see photo, circa 1937).

There’s good news from California tonight ... Sam tells me he’s bringing home another batch of baby pictures! If they’re anywhere near as good as the batch he brought home last summer I’ll enlarge the whole lot of them to 11" x 14" and paper the entire foyer. My five favorite baby Sam photos currently appear in the right column of the Howdygram, cleverly titled “The Baby Sam Gallery.” I’m sure you’ll agree he was remarkably adorable with a pantload of personality!

I guess I’ll shlep myself into the family room now to watch a late movie and eat things. I’ve got a couple of Doris Day classics recorded — Lover Come Back (the one where she wears all those hats shaped like trash cans) and Pillow Talk — so I’ll probably watch one or both because Doris and Rock are banned around here whenever Sam’s home. Ditto for Debbie Reynolds and practically anything with Maurice Chevalier.

Thanks a million for stopping by. How’s the family?

Check this out and be glad if you’re not there.

2012-01-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

I don’t know where this happened but I’m awfully damn glad I’m somewhere else. I spent 40 years of my life in Chicago (mostly) and Michigan, trying to commute in crappy, terrifying weather like this. Never again.

I need cake. Thank you for reading this.

January 23 ... it’s a quadruple-whammy celebration!

2012-01-23T15:22:00.000-06:00

I’m sitting here at my desk fully dressed, listening for — go on, take a guess — the GARBAGE TRUCK to drive by. Seriously, I can’t wait to take a nap but first I have to wait for trash pickup so I can run down to the curb and haul the wheelie-can back into the garage because Sam and I are not slobs and never let the can sleep outside overnight. At the moment, however, this anti-slob routine is wrecking my afternoon and cutting into nap-time. The garbage truck is late.

Today is Monday, January 23, and the Howdygram is pleased to announce an exciting QUADRUPLE-WHAMMY CELEBRATION.

Whammy #1. Happy 80th birthday to my adorable mother-in-law, Belle, who’s pictured at right with Sam. They’re spending the day at the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena because it’s raining and apparently there’s not much else to do except watch “The Price Is Right.”

Whammy #2. Today is CHINESE NEW YEAR and the entire Howdygram editorial staff (actually, just me) would like to wish y’all a deliriously happy Year of the Dragon. Egg foo young for everybody! (If egg foo young is unavailable just shake some soy sauce on your Wheaties.)

Whammy #3. Today is also NATIONAL PIE DAY, an event that deserves to be a legal holiday with a day off work and no mail delivery. Although I can finally celebrate National Pie Day as a diabetic with the three brand new sugar-free graham cracker pie crusts I’ve got sitting in the pantry, I woke up this morning with a critical craving for sugar-free chocolate cake with white frosting.

Yes, friends, I definitely march to a different drummer. I want cake on National Pie Day and matzo balls on Christmas.

Whammy #4. I finally did my grocery shopping this morning at Tom Thumb. It was a thoroughly worthwhile excursion during which I bought everything on my list plus a tub of Blue Bell sugar-free vanilla, SMUCKER’S SUGAR-FREE CARAMEL ICE CREAM SYRUP and — be still, my heart — new PEPPER-JACK CHEEZ-ITS. I’m so excited I want to eat everything at the same time and bake a sugar-free chocolate cake as soon as I’m done.

It was awfully nice of you to stop by today. Next time, call first and I’ll pick up a coffee cake.

Pumpkin pie filling and Miracle Whip ... the options are endless!

2012-01-22T23:48:00.001-06:00

The reason why I’m writing so many posts in Sam’s absence is because I can’t think of anything else to do with my time. I’ll have a new website to design in the not-too-distant future but won’t be able to get started until my client returns his signed contract. I’m expecting to hear from him tomorrow.

There’s some kind of screwy weather front rolling through here. It was very windy all day Sunday gusting to 45 m.p.h. plus a ton of dust blowing in from west Texas. Not leaving the house was an easy decision. Monday will be nice (see below) but on Tuesday everything gets kablooey with a 100% chance of thunderstorms and rain expected all day Wednesday as well. That’s a bold prediction for Dallas forecasters since they’re usually delusional, pathological liars and dead wrong about anything that remotely resembles precipitation.

Under the circumstances it’s my plan to get an early start to Tom Thumb in the morning so I can make the homemade soup mentioned in a previous post and also homemade potato salad in time for Sam’s homecoming next weekend.

Today’s Internet splurge, courtesy of Amazon.com ... three boxes of Atkins low glycemic (i.e., good for diabetics) Dark Chocolate/Coconut bars with almost no carbs. These are so damn beautiful you’ll swear you’re eating a Mounds.

Atkins has a bunch of other terrific varieties, too, such as Caramel Chocolate Mousse and another that tastes exactly like a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I wouldn’t mind stocking up on all of them but I always get scared off by too much of a good thing. Plus I don’t want my pantry to cave in.

Now that I’m desperately hungry I think I’ll prowl around for something to eat and watch a few episodes of “Cops.” I’ve got half a bowl of pumpkin pie filling in the fridge, a package of baloney, low-fat Miracle Whip and a jar of Claussen pickles. The options are endless!

Thank you for reading this.

“Add-A-Sam” … now only $29.95!

2012-01-22T12:52:00.000-06:00

I screwed up. I overslept this morning and now it’s too late to get to Tom Thumb before the First Baptist Church of Garland lets out. I’ll have to wait until later today (maybe around dinner time) or go tomorrow morning instead. I always try to shop when I know I can find a handicapped parking spot and the store isn’t so busy that I have to wait in line 20 minutes watching grandma Einstein sort a suitcase full of coupons while my knees give out. Contrary to popular opinion I do NOT enjoy shrieking obscenities, shaking my cane at the cashier and threatening to strangle other shoppers. I’m just saying.

And now for an exciting special offer from your pals at the Howdygram … our fabulous new “ADD-A-SAM” program, where we’ll Photoshop a happy, waving Sam* onto all of your treasured family vacation photos. Just imagine the possibilities ... Sam in Aspen, Sam at Disneyland, Sam on the beach in Hawaii!

*Choose Texas Sam or California Sam. Operators are standing by to take your call.

Know why Sundays sometimes suck? No deliveries! I’m waiting for piles of wonderful crap from Amazon.com but UPS and FedEx don’t knock on doors on Sunday so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow for my Palmolive dishwashing liquid and Suave body wash, which are pictured below for your possible interest.

Incidentally, I’m trying NEW FRAGRANCES for both of these products, which is mighty damn exciting for a variety of reasons. This time I ordered Palmolive’s “soft touch” dishwashing goo with aloe and Suave’s “milk & honey” body goo. (I love goo.)

I’d better eat some lunch. Thanks for stopping by!

Please ... no remedial farmers in the White House.

2012-01-22T06:08:00.000-06:00

So here’s the plan for Sunday. I woke up about an hour ago and decided I desperately need a pot of homemade beef barley soup today (except with chicken) so I’ll finish this post, go back to bed for a while and then drive over to Tom Thumb to pick up a few ingredients. I have almost everything in the house already except celery, barley, vegetable broth, kidney beans, baby carrots, chicken breasts, spinach and mushrooms. Okay, maybe “almost everything” was a small exaggeration. The only ingredients I’ve actually got are diced tomatoes, salt and parsley flakes.

Even though he’s back in Texas now, y’all should be very, very thankful that Governor Rick Perry (pictured at right in the middle of that famous “oops” moment) has exited the national stage as a candidate for President. And this is because THE DUDE IS AN IDIOT. In college he majored in Agriculture, barely squeaked by with a 2.0 GPA and a degree in Animal Science, and then proceeded to grease his way into politics because he never had the talent to do anything else. I downloaded Perry’s transcripts from a local news website yesterday and they paint a mighty grim picture: Cs, Ds and Fs in practically everything except for a B in “The Basics of Livestock Grading” in 1971. Obviously he was even too stupid to master the skills for farming. This sure sounds presidential, doesn’t it?

Time for a quick Marcy-tini and then I’d better get a little more sleep so I won’t fall down in Tom Thumb’s produce department. I’ll write more later. I promise.

The “Sam wave” sweeps North America.

2012-01-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

Forgive me for taking so long to write a post today. After I drove Sam to the airport this morning I wound up finishing a big pile of client projects, redesigned my invoice forms for 2012, quoted a new seven-page website for a caterer in North Carolina and then sent him a contract to sign and return because apparently he’s having a nervous breakdown and wants me to get started immediately. All of this involved a ton of back and forth emails and turned out to be a lot more work than I expected. I’m pretty sure I had a crabby face for a few hours but everything is much better now.

I’m pleased to announce my web shopping splurge du jour: a 12-box carton of jumbo TicTacs in the new “Powermint” flavor — they’re blue! — which I ordered from Amazon.com because a person can never have too many little minty things. Holy crap, I’ll have the best breath north of the Rio Grande!

Today was my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday party, and Sam’s Aunt Adie emailed the following photos about an hour ago. What a happy bunch of relatives! Please note that Sam’s older sister, Marian, joined the siblings via Skype (see the middle photo) because she’s snowbound in Seattle.

Incidentally, I’ll bet you didn’t know I married a rock star. When I talked to Sam this afternoon he mentioned that his aunt and cousins have been posing for pictures all over North America doing the famous “Sam wave.” You know ... the one I plaster all over the Howdygram (see right). Take a look below to meet some of the featured players. No kidding, this is so cute I could bust.

I think I’d better publish this post and find something to eat before I conk out. I’m considering baloney on white bread because Sam isn’t here to make fun of me. Baloney is good. Thank you for reading this.

Sock-folding party tonight at 8. Mark your calendar.

2012-01-20T14:38:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here’s the deal. Sam leaves tomorrow for eight days in southern California and I’ll be home alone in Texas with the Howdygram, the Internet and a couple of credit cards. Holy crap, does life ever get better than this?

I actually jumped the gun before dawn this morning with a mini-spree on eDietShop.com and Low-Carb.com, where I bought myself three packages of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix, three sugar-free graham cracker crusts, a bag of sugar-free Hershey’s chocolate chips and a box of Dreamfields low-carb angel hair pasta. (I apologize profusely. I could only find a photo of rotini.)

Just for the record, that sugar-free pumpkin pie mix is TO DIE FOR. Just throw it in the blender with four cups of nonfat milk, whiz it around for about 30 seconds and glorioski, you’ve got pie! You can either pour this into a pie crust and refrigerate for two hours or — what I did — into a big bowl like pudding. You can order it here. FYI, those sugar-free graham cracker crusts are also available at your local Walmart grocery store and on Amazon.com, except Amazon makes you buy a dozen at a time. This sucks unless you’re planning to make dessert for a shelter full of homeless diabetics.

My one big project for today other than designing a newsletter for a Lutheran church in Virginia — seriously — is LAUNDRY so Sam will have everything he needs for his trip. He’ll pack when he gets home from work tonight because we need to be at the airport tomorrow morning by 8:30. For your possible interest I’m pleased to provide this map that illustrates the location of: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. This represents a pretty decent shlep of approximately 35 miles each way.

I’d better get started on all that laundry. Send an email if you’d like to stop by later with a bag of chips for a sock-folding party. We can watch last night’s episode of “Project Runway All Stars.” Thank you for reading this.

Razor refills, home-delivered Whoppers and three naked celebrities.

2012-01-19T16:39:00.000-06:00

Some people subscribe to “National Geographic.” I subscribe to Charmin. Such is the life of a web-shopping addict. Thanks to Amazon.com I almost never have to set foot in a grocery store unless I need grapes or a gallon of milk. I buy damn near everything else online, and I especially love Amazon’s Subscribe & Save program because you get an extra discount, free shipping, no sales tax and really speedy service. So far — in addition to toilet paper — I get recurring deliveries of Ziploc bags in two different sizes, peanut butter, coffee, shampoo, sugar-free Israeli halva, deodorant, toothpaste, dishwasher detergent, laundry supplies, body wash, Atkins snack bars, Mach 3 razor refills for Sam (remember him?) and I’m considering canned tomatoes.

Fast food news you can use. Beginning in February Burger King fans (Burger King has fans?) can “have it their way” at vending machines and grocery stores because the chain is lending its name to a new line of crappy snack chips ... because apparently they paid a marketing Einstein to discover that’s exactly what America needs. This venture is in partnership with the same idiot company that created a line of crappy snack chips for T.G.I. Friday’s. Burger King’s two flavors will be “Ketchup & Fries” and a yet-to-be named chip that’s supposed to taste like flame-broiled burgers. I’m definitely feeling nauseated.

But that’s not all. In a desperate effort to catch up with its fast food rivals, Burger King is also experimenting with home delivery. Customers will be able to order online or by phone, although at the present time delivery is available only in the Washington, D.C. area. If it’s successful the pilot program will be rolled out nationwide along with discount coupons for gastric bypass surgery. Just promise me nobody dressed like that gigantic king with the plastic head will ever show up at my front door.

Three naked celebrities. And finally, here’s a little something from our God Bless Photoshop Department courtesy of comedian Conan O’Brien, who’s trying to beat the anticipated ban on morphing heads of public figures onto random naked bodies. Is this awesome, or what?

I think I’ll mosey into the family room now and sleep through one of my favorite movies ... The Kennel Murder Case starring William Powell. Thank you for reading this.

Stick a fork in him. He’s done.

2012-01-19T05:17:00.000-06:00

It’s the crack of dawn in Howdygramland and here I sit, TicTacs by my side, composing a post about hanging out with a box of breath mints. Is this entertaining, or what?

Stick a fork in him. According to a story this morning from ABC News, Rick Perry’s last few donors are admitting that his sad little presidential campaign is over at last. With the South Carolina primary looming ahead on Saturday, Perry is polling slightly below six percent ... the same number of voters who say they have no opinion about this crap whatsoever. While I’m personally thrilled they’re finally ready to put this campaign out of its misery, I wish somebody would figure out a way to keep Governor Einstein — whose entire range of job skills is limited to nice hair, firearms and prayer breakfasts — from coming back to Texas! Thank you in advance for your attention to this request.

More later. I’m going back to bed.

Everything you’ve always wanted to know about the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

2012-01-18T19:51:00.002-06:00

Howdy from north Texas. I’m not feeling especially chatty at the moment because I ran out of cake and can’t figure out what to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d share a few important events from this date in history for your possible interest.

January 18, 1803. President Thomas Jefferson requests funds from Congress to pay for the Lewis and Clark Expedition. Jefferson recruited his personal secretary, Meriwether Lewis, to lead the exploration and asked him to figure out how much money he would require for the trip. The final tally came to $2,500, which Lewis requested mostly in American Express traveler’s checks and Target gift cards. The largest expense was $696 for gifts to the Indians that included Ginsu knives, ThighMaster exercisers and “Wayne Newton Sings Gospel Favorites.”
January 18, 1882. A.A. Milne, creator of Winnie-the Pooh, is born in Hampstead, England. Milne’s only son, Christopher Robin, was born in 1920, and shortly thereafter the family bought a small farm in Sussex that inspired the 100-Acre Wood where Winnie-the-Pooh’s stories would be set. Milne died in 1956 clutching a stuffed animal.

January 18, 1912. British explorer Robert Falcon Scott arrives at the South Pole after a difficult journey. Traveling from base camp, their motor sleds broke down, ponies had to be shot, and the dog teams were sent back as Scott and four companions continued on foot. They reached the pole on January 18 only to find that over-achiever Roald Amundsen of Norway had preceded them by more than a month. Shlepping back to base camp they ran out of Cheez Whiz, their Ding-Dongs froze, and Scott and the remaining survivors were trapped for four weeks by a severe storm. Their bodies were recovered eight months later.
January 18, 1975. Barry Manilow’s first pop hit, “Mandy,” reaches the Top 40 charts. Manilow would go on to sell more than 75 million records over the course of his storied career, which has included 367 Botox injections and concert dates at every Indian casino on the planet.

I’ve made a decision at last. It’s bean soup for dinner and a nice bagel, all preceded by a hot shower because my hands are cold. Thanks for stopping by, okay? Give my regards to the family.

A North Korean “Family Feud” and other news of interest.

2012-01-17T18:50:00.001-06:00

I know I haven’t mentioned this before, but Sam is leaving for California on Saturday morning. There’s an 80th birthday bash for my mother-in-law in the afternoon, then Sam will stay around for an extra week to eat omelets at Norm’s and horse around with his favorite friends and relatives. This sounds like a terrific plan for Sam because he needs a break, but in MY case I’ve been trying to put together a list of fun projects and excursions in his absence and can’t think of anything I want to do without him except buy olives at Central Market (see below) and get a haircut.

But no matter what I finally decide to do during my eight days of “alone time,” at least Dallas is expecting gorgeous weather in which to do it ... such as temperatures in the low 70s with no snow, ice or anything that resembles winter in any way whatsoever. Glorioski!

And now, the North Korean edition of “Family Feud.” Earlier today Kim Jong Il’s eldest son, the doofus playboy Kim Jong Nam (see below, right), predicted that North Korea’s regime will “not last long” under the new rule of his half brother, handsome 27-year-old Kim Jong Un. In an email to a Japanese reporter he described the country’s family dynasty as “a joke to the outside world.”

Kim Jong Nam, who lives in China, is 40 years old, hangs out in casinos and enjoys a jet-set lifestyle. He apparently fell out of favor with his late father after being caught trying to enter Japan on a fake passport in 2001 so he could visit Disney’s Tokyo resort. Millions of North Koreans have starved to death since the late 1990s, a fact that obviously makes no difference to the well-fed pair of little weirdos pictured above.

I think I’ll order something wonderful from China City now and wait for tonight’s episodes of two of my favorite reality shows ... “Tabatha Takes Over” on Bravo and “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV.

If you’re not watching these programs you definitely need to give them a shot. I’ve mentioned “Hardcore Pawn” in previous posts (click here) so I probably shouldn’t have to provide another overview. As for Tabatha, she’s a bitchy, business-savvy Australian hairdresser who transforms decrepit beauty salons. This season she’s expanding her show to include decrepit yogurt shops, decrepit pet kennels, decrepit gay bars and so on. I can hardly wait and thank you for reading this.

Cake and ice cream for everybody!

2012-01-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

Miscellaneous retail baloney. Kirkland’s is one of my favorite go-to stores for home decor doodads, candle holders and assorted rustic whatnots. I’m sad to report, however, that lately Kirkland’s seems to be in a desperate situation. For instance: 1) what used to be a pleasant weekly email ad with a $10 coupon is now four or more truly annoying emails EVERY DAY; 2) their store-branded credit card and frequent-buyer perks were discontinued as of December 31; and 3) they’re CLOSING STORES ... four so far in the Dallas area since the first of the year and probably a few in YOUR area, too. My local Kirkland’s in Mesquite is still breathing but I might have to do a weekly drive-by just to keep tabs.

Sad, sad news. “USA Today” reports that Dan Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store restaurant chain, has died at age 76. The company’s press release states that Cracker Barrel caters to highway travelers, focusing on Southern hospitality, high-quality country-style cooking and an associated gift shop. Yeah, right. If Cracker Barrel sells “high-quality country-style cooking,” I’m Eleanor Roosevelt.

Sam and I have eaten at Cracker Barrel, and there’s a Cracker Barrel restaurant right here in Mesquite at the Galloway exit from I-635. Trust me ... Cracker Barrel microwaves their entrees, reheats vegetables that come from cans, and the average age in the dining room is 75 because you don’t need any teeth to eat their food. As for that “associated gift shop,” be sure to browse Cracker Barrel’s fine selection of outdated jawbreakers, gum and candy or pick up a thoughtful bottle of liniment — seriously — for loved ones on your gift list. Does anybody really buy this crap?

“Your President is not a crook.” I’m suffering from a serious overdose of Richard Nixon minutiae after watching two feature-length films today — Frost/Nixon with Frank Langella and Nixon with Anthony Hopkins — that delivered more than FIVE HOURS of excruciating detail concerning Vietnam, Cambodia, slush funds, Bebe Rebozo, the Democratic headquarters break-in, dirty tricks, missing tapes, the White House cover-up, firing the special prosecutor and tricky Dick’s delusions, paranoia and eventual resignation. Of the two movies I think I liked Nixon best because it included the entire scandalous cast of White House ~~characters~~ ~~staffers~~ criminals, as pictured below.

By the way, if you don’t know what I’m talking about you seriously need a refresher in modern American history. Click here to read the whole story courtesy of “The Washington Post.” For the record, Richard Nixon was a crook.

And finally, the Howdygram would like to extend belated birthday wishes to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who would be 83 years old if he hadn’t died in 1968. The City of Mesquite celebrated Dr. King’s birthday by not picking up our garbage.

Sam called a few minutes to let me know he’ll be working late so I think I’ll make some sugar-free raspberry jello, toast a bagel and watch today’s episode of “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this.

Boys will be boys.

2012-01-15T23:45:00.000-06:00

If you thought I wasn’t going to write a post today you almost nailed it. I had a headache most of the day so Sam brought home a pizza from I Fratelli for lunch, after which we took naps and enjoyed several wonderful movies, including Father’s Little Dividend with Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor, Secretariat with Diane Lane and the Tracy/Hepburn classic Adam’s Rib. I attempted to watch Cecil B. DeMille’s Cleopatra from 1934 with Claudette Colbert and Warren William but it was so excruciatingly crappy that I erased it, ate sugar-free halva and moved on with my life.

And now for the latest slice of baloney from GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who’s currently hovering in last place everywhere in the United States ... including (and especially) his home state of Texas. On Sunday Perry accused the Obama administration of “disdain for the military” for condemning four Marines who urinated on dead bodies in Afghanistan. Perry says the Marines are “just kids” and shouldn’t be held accountable.

You’re certainly entitled to your demented view of this situation, Rick, so I think we should bring the Marines home to pee on YOU. Boys will be boys, right?

Thank you for reading this.

Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

2012-01-14T23:04:00.000-06:00

It was a nice, quiet day at Howdygram headquarters beginning with Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s, a drive through Sunnyvale, several consecutive naps, dinner at home (Easy One-Pot Greek Rice) followed by a couple of okay movies.

First we saw Passport to Suez (1943) with Warren William and Eric Blore, a thoroughly lame World War II spy thriller pretending to be Casablanca except it was based in Egypt, everybody’s accent was atrocious and the Humphrey Bogart part was played by — of all people — Sheldon Leonard (see right). The plot was so awful we almost started rooting for the Nazi spies. And we HATE Nazi spies.

Next we saw Hell Divers, a 1931 adventure film about Navy pilots in Elmer Fudd hats starring Wallace Beery and Clark Gable with no mustache.

Hell Divers was actually way better than I expected and included some very well done fake flying scenes with plenty of fake stunts and fake pilots jumping out of fake planes with fake parachutes that wouldn’t open. There’s even a tear-jerker ending when Wallace Beery winds up saving Clark Gable’s life but has to sacrifice his own in the process and the entire crew of the U.S.S. Saratoga is crying like a bunch of girls.

Breaking news! The annual Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo opened today and runs through February 4 at the Fort Worth Stockyards. Here are a few photos for your possible interest from the kickoff parade.

Sam and I didn’t attend the parade but we love longhorns and never miss an opportunity to post photos of them. Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

Here’s something exciting! Tomorrow Sam will finally complete his wild-west education with a two-hour gun safety class at 10 a.m. so he can run for marshal of Mesquite in 2013. (I might be kidding about the marshal part.) Yee-haw, pass the bullets and thank you for reading this!

Cute babies, Clorox bleach and thanks for nothing, John McCain.

2012-01-13T22:24:00.000-06:00

Here’s what I do at 4 in the morning when nobody’s looking. I order a large bottle of Maja cologne from Overstockperfume.com, a bigger and better roaster from Amazon.com and a couple of gallon jugs of Clorox bleach from Walmart.com. The bleach was an especially nice bargain at $1.98. This time I’m trying that fancy-schmancy “Clean Linen” scent.

Today’s pet peeve. All of a sudden everybody is deifying SOLDIERS, and I don’t get it. Personally, I think we can blame pasty-faced screwball John McCain for this baloney because he got the ball rolling during his 2008 presidential campaign. McCain spent so much time glorifying members of the military — I even saw him cry talking about General Petraeus — that I was ready to barf in camouflage all over the TV. And I remember nutjob Sarah Palin screeching during one of her speeches that “John McCain knows how to win a war!” (Actually, Sarah, he doesn’t. He knows how to be a P.O.W.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad there are people who volunteer to join the military. I just can’t understand why it’s such a big hoo-hah and why we have to elevate soldiers to the status of demi-gods. Restaurants, retail stores, schools, major league sports, special event venues, airlines, car dealers and cruise ships give them discounts, freebies, honors, upgrades and extra courtesies ... but I think policemen, firefighters, Chinese food delivery dudes and the Howdygram editorial staff deserve free crap and upgrades, too, because we all provide such essential services. I’m just saying.

And now I’d like to share some heartwarming family photos. First up is my niece Melissa’s little boy, Tyler, who’s 3½ years old. Is this guy precious, or what? These were taken just before Christmas last year.

And here’s baby Cooper, one day old, posing with his father’s hand in the upper photo and with his mom, Allison (Melissa’s younger sister), in the one below it. These were taken about two weeks ago.

By the way, we didn’t go to Denny’s this morning for Senior Scrambled Eggs but I’m okay with that because I know they won’t run out and there’s always Saturday and Sunday. Thank you for reading this.

Five reasons why Sam won’t watch “Project Runway.”

2012-01-13T03:21:00.000-06:00

Even though I can comfortably enjoy one hour each week of whiny, competitive whack jobs creating strange clothes under ridiculous working conditions, Sam’s primary issue with “Project Runway” concerns the requisite flock of flaming designers, of which the current season — “Project Runway All Stars” — boasts five of the best. They are:

The two who consistently test a straight person’s patience are Mondo and Austin. See for yourself. Here are six shots of Mondo in various teeny little outfits featuring Daisy Duke shorts, bow ties, knee socks and screwy hats. Mondo is convinced his mother didn’t know he was gay until he came out on “Project Runway” two years ago. Seriously.

For my money, Austin Scarlett makes Mondo look like Mr. Universe. He dyes and curls his hair, wears lipstick, acts like a little girl and usually looks so feminine (see below) that he finally decided to grow a mustache ... probably so he can use a men’s room without somebody beating his brains out. Austin designs evening gowns and calls himself a “diva.” That’s pretty accurate.

Happy Friday the 13th from Sam and me even though I’m the only one available at 3:15 in the morning to extend this heartfelt greeting. Sam is in bed, asleep, and I’ve got a slight touch of insomnia with a side order of Coke Zero. A few hours from now I hope to con Sam into breakfast at Denny’s because we love their Senior Scrambled Eggs. I strayed last weekend and tried a Senior Omelet, but the Senior Scrambled Eggs are better because they come with pancakes.

Thanks for stopping by. Shut the light when you’re through, okay?

You heard it here first. When all else fails, eat cake.

2012-01-12T19:46:00.004-06:00

News flash. I’ve been surly, sardonic, pissed off, hostile and generally snotty for the last several days. The biggest issue, and I know I’ve mentioned this a million times, is that I’m so sick of my clients I could SCREAM. For months the main focus of my life has been senior citizen discounts and how soon can I retire, but clients from coast to coast are bombarding me with project requests for really stupid website updates ... all since the first of the year. Yesterday one bozo in Philadelphia sent me 27 consecutive emails with a different photo attached to each one. No kidding, I’m ready to shove a mousepad up her nose.

Another contributing factor is the pharmacy at our local Walmart and how many fresh and exciting ways they can find to screw up my meds. I went three rounds on the phone this morning with a pharmacist whose primary language is Martian, trying to understand why the prescription Sam picked up on Tuesday only contained two Victoza injectable pens rather than three ... which means I’ll run out of my diabetes medication 10 days early. The pharmacist tried really hard to weasle out of it, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT if Walmart mixed up my prescription numbers and filled the wrong one!

Thank God I have a fabulous physician. Tomorrow Dr. M will give me a Victoza pen for free plus a new prescription that I’ll gladly take to CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Tom Thumb, Albertson’s or Kroger ... ANYWHERE BUT WALMART.

I have a suspicion my “happy pills” aren’t working too well right now. I need cake.

Incidentally, it’s cold in north Texas! The current temperature is 34° with 22° expected overnight. But that’s about it for winter, however, since we’re expecting 65° on Saturday and Sunday, the low 70s on Monday and the mid-60s all next week. There’s really no point sending mittens because we won’t need them. Send cash instead.

Thank you for reading this.

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

2012-01-11T23:40:00.000-06:00

I meant to write a post hours ago but really haven’t had a chance. Everything is upside-down.

First, Sam didn’t get home from work until 5 this morning, so right off the bat that’s a crappy way to start your day. We woke up at 10:30, migrated into the family room and sat around like a couple of slugs eating lox and bagels and watching The King’s Speech on Showtime. Incidentally, if you haven’t seen The King’s Speech we highly recommend it. It was nominated for 12 Academy awards last year and won four (best picture, best actor, best screenplay, best director). The movie poster appears below.

After Sam went back to work at 3 this afternoon I finally had a chance to jump into a few projects of my own. Specifically, I: 1) washed, dried, folded and put away four loads of laundry; 2) made a big pot of Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage that actually managed NOT to explode all over the oven this time; 3) emptied the dishwasher; 4) reorganized a silverware drawer; 5) spent five hours at the computer working on two exceptionally tedious client projects; and 6) refilled my pill sorter for the next seven days.

My brain is fried. All I really want to do right now is eat cake, put my feet up and watch tonight’s episode of “Top Chef” even though this is their lousiest season ever and not one contestant has enough apparent talent to boil an egg.

Thank you for reading this.

Losers in the news and why you shouldn’t eat Underwood Deviled Ham.

2012-01-11T01:11:00.000-06:00

This will probably be a post about lots of nothing special. I’ve got a list of potential topics and a few images to share, but my motivation will depend on what time I start to poop out and if Sam is coming home before sunrise or not. There’s really no way to know about Sam, because he’s got a huge hoo-hah project going on at the office and I haven’t heard from him since he pulled out of the garage at 3:15 yesterday afternoon. Let’s hold a good thought, okay?

Today’s pet peeve. Just because news websites aren’t bound by the same space limitations as print publications doesn’t mean we’re willing to read PILES OF MEANINGLESS CRAP. In addition to Todd Palin’s earth-shaking endorsement of Newt Gingrich and Chaz Bono’s upcoming trip to Belgrade to buy himself a shmeckle, I refer to the following “news stories” I found during the last 24 hours:

Obscure former actress Kristy McNichol has “come out” as a lesbian to help teens who are bullied for their sexual orientation. Since Kristy hasn’t appeared on TV since 1995 there’s not a teen on earth who even knows who she is ... so what’s the point?
Despicable Casey Anthony releases a video to show off her new blonde hair, glasses and nose rings.
A 21-year-old Iranian man wound up with a permanent erection after having “good luck with your journeys” and the letter “M” (his girlfriend’s initial) tattooed on his penis.
Desperate D-list celebrity and “Dancing with the Stars” flop Kate Gosselin will hostess a party on a Royal Caribbean cruise and sell autographs to her fans. Kate Gosselin has fans?

I couldn’t find a photo of the stupid Iranian dude’s penis. (Sorry.)

In breaking news, the Wall Street Journal reports that Hostess, beloved Texas-based maker of popular polyester lunchbox snacks, is filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy because they owe their vendors more than $50 million. It’s too soon to know whether or not Twinkies and Ding-Dongs will emerge unscathed so the Howdygram recommends stockpiling your favorites TODAY.

And finally, does anybody remember Mason Reese, that funny little kid back in the mid-1970s who did all those cute TV commercials for Dunkin’ Donuts, Raisin Bran and Underwood Deviled Ham? Here’s a photo of Mason today for your possible interest and amusement ... living proof that nobody should ever eat deviled ham under any circumstances.

It’s almost 1 a.m. and I still haven’t heard from Sam, so maybe I’ll mosey into the family room and watch last night’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” If you’ve never seen this program I highly recommend it. It’s about a Jewish family’s gigantic pawn shop in Detroit’s inner-city area, and the customers that come and go are a collection of loudmouths, lunatics and homicidal maniacs you really don’t want to miss. This is TV at its finest and even Sam is starting to enjoy it. My favorite part is when security has to throw out one of the aforementioned homicidal maniacs. (This happens a lot.)

My very best regards to your family. Thank you for reading this.

Behold ... “gefilte fish for goyim.”

2012-01-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

I’m running on empty today and I can’t figure out why. I had more than enough sleep last night in addition to a two-hour nap that ended at 3 p.m. just in time to watch Sam leave for work. However, I need a little extra energy to tackle the mountain of laundry waiting for me so I’m thinking I should scrounge up something fun to eat, such as frosted cake and leftover egg foo young. (I have a really nice life.)

I have a question for you. What the hell is wrong with baloney? Baloney is basically a hotdog on steroids that’s mighty wonderful on white bread with two slices of American cheese. Sam completely disagrees, makes a face and says baloney is “gefilte fish for goyim.”

Please post a comment or send an email if you’re a baloney fan so I won’t get too despondent about this. Baloney is good. Nobody should hate on baloney.

Today’s pet peeve. Idiot clients who make me resend email attachments over and over and over because they can’t figure out how to retrieve them on a Blackberry. I just went five rounds with a bozo bridal consultant in South Carolina who kept writing back: “I didn’t get the attachment.” This is YOUR problem, Einstein, not MINE. Figure out how to use your stupid phone and stop wasting my time.

Today’s other pet peeve. Deadbeats. And I refer specifically to one client in particular who’s been making me crazy for THREE YEARS and can’t pay her bills under any circumstances whatsoever. Her credit card is rejected every time a quarterly web hosting payment is due and I wind up with another lie from her growing arsenal: 1) my purse was stolen; 2) a scam just wiped out my bank account; 3) my house is in foreclosure and I can’t pay you; 4) I’m out of the country and don’t have my bank password; 5) I need to feed my family first; and 6) I’ll have to get back to you on (pick one) Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, tomorrow, tonight or next week. She’s officially out of second chances. If she can’t cough up her quarterly hosting payment by the end of the day tomorrow I intend to shut down her website. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been this excited about anything since I discovered sugar-free halva on Amazon.com.

Incidentally, despite evidence to the contrary, I have NOT turned into a cranky old poop-head even though I just hung up on a telemarketer from the Mesquite Lions Club and wrote two rather intense paragraphs about pet peeves. I’m just an attractive and opinionated senior citizen with zero patience for morons, dimwits, jerks, frauds and Einsteins. Thank you for reading this, and I sincerely hope you’re having a wonderful day.

Lose the itchy mop dress. Seriously.

2012-01-10T01:47:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot to remind everybody about “Project Runway All Stars” on Lifetime. Tune in every Thursday night at 8 p.m. Central time to watch all your least-favorite whiny losers from eight previous seasons. I’m not sure I’ll have the stomach for this, but after surviving 12 weeks of “Work of Art” I guess I can put up with damn near anything.

Here, for your possible interest, are two of the runway fashions from last week’s episode. Mila designed an outfit from plastic-covered lawn chair fabric and phone cords; April’s dress was a macramé monstrosity made of floor mops. They’re both frightening — would you want gigantic train tracks running around your thighs? — but the mop fringe makes me itch and the model on the right looks like she’s ready to bludgeon somebody.

I suppose that’s it for now. It’s raining, I’m tired, my feet are cold and Sam has been asleep since midnight. Thank you for reading this and I’m heading off to bed.

Introducing the official Howdygram food pyramid.

2012-01-09T21:44:00.000-06:00

Can you smell it? I just took a sugar-free yellow cake out of the oven to cool. Frosting is the next step because every cake is better with frosting. For those of you considering a healthier diet for the new year, you may be interested to know that frosted cake stands alone at the top of the Howdygram’s official food pyramid, directly above Coke Zero.

I, for one, sincerely hope these recommendations will help all of you make better choices. I also try to consider a green vegetable at least once a month and in lieu of fruit I like gummi bears or jello.

We’ve had considerable rainfall around here today as illustrated by the map below. Our total so far is about 1½ inches with more on the way tonight and tomorrow. Howdygram headquarters is denoted by the red star, but there’s no point zooming in because you can’t see me. (It’s 47° and I’m in the house.)

In breaking news, an article this afternoon on ABC News’ website reported that Alaska’s former “first dude” Todd Palin, spouse of Sarah Einstein Palin, has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. As if anybody really gives a crap what Todd Palin thinks. (All I need now is Kim Kardashian’s valued opinion and I’m ready to cast my vote.)

Sam will be home from work soon so I’d better frost my cake. Thanks for stopping by. Incidentally, you look terrific. Have you taken off some weight?

Fonts, freaks and a big hoo-hah from Whataburger.

2012-01-09T04:12:00.000-06:00

It’s the middle of the night and it’s RAINING here. Water has been falling from the sky for at least three hours and will continue to fall all day today, all night tonight and all day tomorrow as well. The only difference is, we’re expecting a bunch of badass thunderstorms today starting around 10 a.m. Frankly, I can’t wait. We need the rain and I love thunderstorms. To celebrate I think I’ll spend all day cooking things, such as Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage and maybe a sugar-free frosted cake. I’m so excited I may not be able to go back to sleep.

Breaking stupid news. Whataburger, the south’s favorite hamburger chain for no good reason whatsoever, has introduced “spicy ketchup” for a limited time only, a fact that apparently is supposed to coerce fans of their dry, overcooked fast food to run out and give it a shot. Whataburger’s news release says their new spicy ketchup is just regular ketchup with a squirt of jalapeño puree and was produced in a “limited batch” to be served at all 730 restaurant locations in 10 states. I don’t know about you, but “limited batch” evokes somebody stirring a three-quart kettle on the stove ... not 730 restaurants in 10 states.

I’m told there’s even a Facebook page for spicy ketchup’s new flock of “friends.” Whataburger says they didn’t initiate it, but they’re LYING. No way this wasn’t a brainchild of their Einstein P.R. department because even Rick Perry isn’t dumb enough to be friends with ketchup. (I might be wrong about this, however.)

On Saturday I downloaded more free comic book fonts from Blambot.com in addition to the other free fonts I downloaded last Monday (see my earlier posts here and here). If you’re even slightly creative I strongly recommend visiting Blambot’s website for lots of inspiration.

Before I sign off I wanted also to share this photo of freakish and ghostly Mrs. Newt Gingrich, age 45, a woman so vain she must spend six hours a day gluing every hair into place when she’s not racking up debt at Tiffany’s. Just between us, she scares the hell out of me and the photo at right was actually the most flattering I could find. Two more appear below for your possible amusement.

Thank you for reading this. I apologize if I’m giving you nightmares.

John Wayne probably deserves better than this.

2012-01-08T05:52:00.000-06:00

Good morning, Howdygramsters. It’s not quite the crack of dawn here in north Texas but I’m awake nonetheless, working on a grocery list and keeping company with a nice box of TicTacs.

Sam and I enjoyed our junket to Oklahoma yesterday even though it was slightly different than our usual experience. For instance: 1) the Choctaw Casino is hosting the World Series of Poker through the end of January so it was almost impossible to find a parking area that wasn’t reserved for the valet service; 2) neither of us won anything at the slots; 3) somebody brought a screaming baby to the buffet; and 4) they ran out of guacamole.

For your possible interest, yesterday’s featured sugar-free pie was chocolate meringue. No normal person could ever find fault with that.

I just received an email from TCM.com promoting a bunch of John Wayne merchandise that includes a few movie DVDs, a couple of hats and the 8-inch figurine pictured below that sells for $74.95.

I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a toy that doesn’t actually do anything, such as talk, pee, dance the jitterbug, shoot real bullets or bobble its head. And poor Duke is wearing his hat like Lupe Vélez and looks like he’s straddling a moldy Chips Ahoy cookie with a kitchen towel around his neck. I’m just saying.

I should go back to bed now. Stop by later for another post because I have lots more assorted crap to write. Thank you for reading this.

Doesn’t every presidential candidate have his own grenade launcher?

2012-01-07T05:30:00.000-06:00

I shouldn’t be here right now. I shouldn’t be sitting at my desk with a Marcy-tini writing a Howdygram post at 5:15 in the morning because Sam is taking me to the Choctaw Casino today to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie and I don’t want to conk out in the car on the way to Oklahoma! (Don’t tell anybody, but I frequently tend to do this whether I get enough sleep or not.)

And now for a little comic relief from the GOP’s race to the White House. I uncovered a feature story last night on ABC’s news website about macho good ol’ boy Rick Perry and his lifelong love affair with — you guessed it — GUNS. During a recent hunting trip in Iowa, Perry told a reporter, “It’s been a long love affair with a boy and his gun that turned into a man and his gun, and it turned into a man and his son and his daughter and their guns.” He believes the second amendment to the Constitution gives him the right to carry a gun when he goes jogging with his daughter so he can kill coyotes. (He actually does this.) Perry is pictured below with his favorite weapon of choice.

Governor Blowhard has decided not to compete in New Hampshire where a new poll shows him at the bottom of the GOP field with less than one percent, so he’s focusing instead on South Carolina where he’s polling much better at five percent. I guess we should be grateful that Michele Bachmann dropped out of the race. She gave Rick Perry a guaranteed shot at finishing last.

I think I’ll head back to bed now and keep Sam company for a couple of hours. Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re through.

Ernest Borgnine is no Gene Kelly and other critical observations.

2012-01-06T16:57:00.001-06:00

It’s Friday afternoon and I have a headache and a craving for liverwurst. This is mildly frightening, so to help ward off the demons I’ve decided to write a post that covers at least 263 different topics. Thank you for putting up with me.

Weekend plans. Sam promised me a trip to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie, activities that seem to evoke an equally gleeful response every time he suggests them to me. We’re expecting glorious January weather — 62° with sunshine — and I might even take a few pictures to share with y’all afterwards. Then again, maybe not. On Sunday we have no plans at all, which is probably a good thing because I’ve got a couple of client projects to finish and lately it’s getting harder and harder to find the motivation. I’ve developed a snotty attitude and I want to retire.

Limited-time special while quantities last. Now that I’m all set up to process credit card sales online with a “virtual terminal” it’s probably a good time to sell the hardwired desktop terminal I’ve been using for the last couple of years.

The Nurit 2085 requires a phone jack and an electrical outlet, accepts standard rolls of 2¼-inch thermal receipt tape, is fun to dust and has little rubbery buttons that beep. You can buy the terminal new on Amazon.com for about $145 but I’ll sacrifice mine for $50 with the original box and six new rolls of receipt tape since I don’t need those any more, either. Please send me an email if any of this sounds interesting to you. By the way, you need a merchant account in order to use a credit card terminal. (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but you never know.)

Coyote serenades the Great Dallas Earthquake of 2012. On Friday morning a teeny little temblor occured in Dallas near University Park. The 2.0 magnitude quake was recorded at Northwest Highway and Inwood Road just after midnight. The U.S. Geological Survey says there were no reports of damage but a woman in Starbucks claims she heard a coyote. (I suggest she might consider cutting back on the caffeine.) For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) The epicenter at Northwest Highway and Inwood; and B) Starbucks. I have no idea whatsoever where the coyote was located.

Frankly, a 2.0 quake is about the same as a fart and not really worth mentioning. It’s amazing what I’ll do to fill up the Howdygram, isn’t it?

Anybody remember Meg Ryan? These before and after pictures pretty much say it all. The Howdygram’s official style maven — yours truly — thinks it might be time for Meg to give up on plastic surgery and that bed-head hairdo. (What looked cute at 25 gets scary at 50.)

And speaking of scary ... Transgender doofus Chaz Bono is in the news again today, announcing that he finally saved up enough money to buy himself a weenie so he can pee like a real guy in public bathrooms. I’m not joking about this.

~~She~~ He will travel to Belgrade for the surgery because it’s only $45,000 and a lot less expensive than in the U.S. Chaz says he didn’t try to borrow penis money from his mother (Cher) because he wants to be self-sufficient. Also because she’d probably whack him in the head with a frying pan. (Note to Cher: it might help.).

Tinseltown’s finest hour. And finally, as a glaring example of inexplicable Hollywood casting, here’s Ernest Borgnine singing and dancing with Gordon MacRae and Dan Dailey in 1956’s musical flop The Best Things in Life Are Free. Borgnine’s performance, which could be classified as a classic train wreck, comes just one year after he played the sadistic villain in Bad Day at Black Rock and won a best actor Oscar for the title role in Paddy Chayefsky’s beloved drama, Marty. This video clip is actually fun to watch, however, because the big oaf is obviously enjoying himself. (As far as I know Borgnine never sang again on screen, and for that we should all be sincerely grateful.)

One last thought. Those Pillsbury sugar-free brownies turned out GREAT last night! Sam plunged in the minute he got home from work and ate two so fast I think he forgot to chew. Thank you for reading this.

June Cleaver, up close and personal.

2012-01-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

I don’t know if you can smell this or not, but I’ve got pan of SUGAR-FREE FUDGE BROWNIES in the oven! Sam issued a special request yesterday after he brought home that truckload of Pillsbury mixes from Walmart. I had hoped to bake them right away but didn’t have a chance after I got caught up in all that crap about my “virtual terminal.” It’s just not possible to pretend I’m June Cleaver when I actually want to bludgeon everybody in technical support.

Incidentally, for those of you younger than 50 who have no idea who June Cleaver is, she was a popular and practically perfect TV sitcom mom on “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957 to 1963 (learn more). June, Ward, Wally and The Beaver lived at 211 Pine Street in the fictitious town of Mayfield. June wore pearls in the kitchen to bake cookies and never trusted Eddie Haskell. She did, however, like Lumpy Rutherford and Beaver’s teacher, Miss Landers. A photo of the Cleavers’ previously-mentioned residence appears below. If it looks slightly familiar, this is the same house Universal Studios used for “Marcus Welby, M.D.” Seriously.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything whatsoever since 11:15 this morning, so in the interest of expedience and convenience — and also to feed my favorite addiction — I just placed a nice order from China City that should be here around 9. I usually don’t order food this late. I’m living dangerously in my old age.

Thank you for reading this.

Manischewitz clearance sale, today only.

2012-01-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

A quick follow-up to the story in yesterday’s post about my new “virtual terminal” credit card processing system. As it turns out I received the wrong welcome letter loaded with confusing instructions for a ridiculously intense set-up procedure that didn’t apply to me whatsoever. When I couldn’t reach tech support — actually, nobody bothered to answer the damn phone — I emailed my merchant account rep, Evelyn, who sorted it all out for me. Five minutes later my virtual terminal was up and running.

No kidding, this online credit card thing is absolutely brilliant and I only wish I’d known about it a couple of years ago. I already processed my first transaction this morning. I WANT EVERYBODY TO SEND ME MONEY!

The matzo farfel incident. Such excitement! Last week I ordered a 3-pack of gigantic Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel canisters from Amazon.com, and they sent me half a dozen by mistake. They’re huge. I’ve got SIX POUNDS OF MATZO FARFEL in the pantry ... enough to stuff the entire Israeli army. And this would be incredibly wonderful except for one teeny little problem: I didn’t know until last night that it tastes like corrugated cardboard. (The farfel ... not the Israeli army.)

Therefore, if you or your loved ones are craving the unforgettable taste of cardboard and would like to snag a canister of Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel cheap, please send me an email and we’ll discuss convenient terms. (I accept Mastercard, Visa and American Express.)

Making changes for a brighter future. This week I’ve been implementing my Happy New Year Austerity Plan. I cancelled my business 800-number service on Tuesday and just called AT&T and told them to disconnect my business landline phone. Total annual savings, about $675. Better yet, AT&T’s customer service rep was so nice she knocked $5 a month off our U-Verse bill for no apparent reason and then threw in a free speed upgrade to our Internet service, which was actually pretty damn fast to begin with. Glorioski, is this amazing or what?

I think I need a snack and a nap because saving money can do that to a person. Thank you for reading this.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 and other issues.

2012-01-04T17:22:00.000-06:00

I have no idea why I’m writing a post because I’m so damn tired I can’t see straight. I woke up way too early this morning (6:30) and never bothered going back to bed. I actually feel somewhat inebriated but without the benefit of free pretzels or happy hour.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012. The bigger issue today, however, concerns Pillsbury. This morning I tried to reorder their sugar-free cake mixes and frosting from Low Carb Connoisseur and couldn’t find them on their website. So I send an email to their customer service department and they write back to tell me PILLSBURY HAS DISCONTINUED ALL OF THEIR SUGAR-FREE PRODUCTS. Holy mother of crap! I take a quick look to see if I can still order from Amazon.com but I’d have to spend $39.99 for six cake mixes from a seller in Ohio plus an extra $9.99 for shipping ... the equivalent of $8.33 for each box of cake mix. This is seriously outrageous.

By now Sam can tell I’m becoming hysterical, inconsolable and generally over-wrought, so he drives down the street to Walmart and comes home half an hour later with a veritable TRUCKLOAD of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar free Pillsbury fudge brownie mixes and cans of sugar-free Pillsbury frosting! AND THEY’RE CHEAP, TOO! For the record, I eventually checked out Pillsbury’s website (they have several and it took a while to find the right one), but since they’re still promoting their line of sugar-free products I can only assume that everybody at Low Carb Connoisseur must be criminally insane or on drugs. And with that, the Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 draws to a close.

In other news, you might be interested to know that I’m also up to my ears in a big hoo-hah concerning the new credit card payment system I signed up for ... a “virtual terminal” that operates online. A couple of hours ago they send me a tedious welcome email in 8-point type with enough instructions and secret codes to build a stealth bomber, ending with the following paragraph:

“Please note that integrating to the QuickCommerce Payment Gateway requires Web programming. You will need a knowledgeable Web developer to manage your payment gateway integration.”

I have no idea what this means, and I’ve been designing websites and writing HTML code for more than ten years. I tried three times to contact their support hotline but apparently these clowns don’t like to answer the phone, either. After 10 rings you get a message that basically says, “What’s wrong with you ... can’t you see we’re busy? Call us back.” They don’t put you on hold, they don’t give you any options, and they don’t transfer you to voice mail and offer to return the call. Nothing. I’m already pissed off and I haven’t even set up my account yet.

Please help me. I need to slap somebody right now and I’m home alone. Thank you in advance for your attention to my request.

Exciting deliveries and a big New Year update.

2012-01-03T16:14:00.000-06:00

Can we talk about exciting deliveries for a minute? I’m expecting four such deliveries tomorrow from my friends at Amazon.com ... 1) a three-pack of whole wheat Manischewitz matzo farfel that’s impossible to find anywhere in Dallas; 2) a six-pack of original Manwich sloppy Joe sauce; 3) 45 packages of Lipton Cup-a-Soup Spring Vegetable flavor (my favorite instant soup since fifth grade because I’m into teeny dehydrated peas); and 4) a swell basic black tea kettle that whistles.

Come to think of it, there’s a fifth exciting delivery I’d like to mention as well, although this one has nothing to do with Amazon whatsoever. My niece Allison and her husband Greg are the proud parents of baby Cooper, who arrived on December 30 weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces.

Cooper has to be one of the cutest little boys I’ve ever seen, and I’m especially blown away by the sock monkey hat. I think everybody should wear one of these, even Sam.

As for the “big New Year update” mentioned in the title of this post, here’s my bombshell: I’ve decided to make a major change to the financial end of my website design business. Effective immediately — or as soon as possible — I’ll be cancelling my 800 number, disconnecting my AT&T landline and using my cell phone for business calls, all of which will save me nearly $60 a month. I’m also getting rid of my manual (keypad) credit card terminal in favor of a “virtual” terminal that operates through my computer on an Internet gateway. I’m deliriously happy about this because saving money is wonderful, and dumping two phone lines and outdated credit card equipment inches me a little closer to the joy of total retirement.

And now it’s time for a snack and a nap, since I find that I’m both hungry and tired at exactly the same time. Oy, such a conundrum! Thank you for reading this.

Why we really, really love Dallas.

2012-01-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

Sam and I really love it here in the Dallas area. With a population of 1,197,816 we’re the 9th largest city in the United States and share the top 10 with two other Texas metropolitan areas (Houston and San Antonio). Our reasons for enjoying Dallas, however, are many and varied. For instance:

We always find parking no matter where we go unless it’s Tom Thumb at Preston and Forest two days before Christmas.
The citizens of Dallas still wear cowboy hats.
Dallas is uncongested with lots of land area and low population density, and there are enough donut shops, nail salons and dental clinics per square mile to service an obese, well-groomed population with no cavities at least six times greater than ours.
Huge freeways with practically no traffic, especially when you compare this to where we grew up (Chicago for me, L.A. for Sam).
Extremely short winters that last maybe 10 days.
A vast number of wonderful restaurants with the exception of a real Kosher deli, of which there are none worth mentioning whatsoever.
Excellent hospitals and doctors.
Tons of snooty stores if you’re rich.
You can live in a beautiful suburban subdivision and still be close enough to cattle ranches — like us! — to hear the longhorns moo.
Dallas is full of Texans, and Texans are entertaining. I refer you to the photo above in case you need proof of this statement.

Incidentally, according to the latest Harris Interactive Poll it seems that lots of Americans would like to live in Dallas. As a matter of fact, after not even making the top 15 ever we’re all the way up to number 4 now ... right behind New York City, San Diego and Seattle. Even with blowhard Rick Perry as governor!

And finally, no post about Dallas would be complete without mentioning the Dallas Cowboys, who receive our undying support no matter how much they suck. With 14 seconds to go in the first half Sunday night, and the Cowboys down 21-0 to the Giants, the following shot of owner/general manager Jerry Jones says it all. I don’t know if this is suitable for framing but you have my permission to try. (Better luck next year, Jerry.)

Thank y’all for reading this.

Always wear lipstick to shop in high-end stores.

2012-01-02T12:55:00.001-06:00

In my never-ending quest to own every font on earth I just downloaded an additional six for free from Blambot.com. These are basically just as cool as the six new comic book fonts from yesterday (see post), although I think “Jeff Campbell” has to be my all-time favorite.

I use a font called “Comicrazy” for my photo captions here on the Howdygram. I bought it a couple of years ago during Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day sale ... it’s a $395 font (seriously) that only cost me $20.10. You should check out Comicraft’s website because it’s a visual smorgasbord of all those classic comic books you loved as a kid.

For the record, my favorite comic books were Archie and Dennis the Menace, but not for any reason you’d ever guess. By the time I was eight years old I’d fallen in love with their FONTS. The Archie font was a lot like “Jeff Campbell” but with a slight slant to the right and a very distinctive uppercase “S”. Dennis the Menace comic books used a quirky lowercase font with an unforgettable “g”.

If you think I’m strange you’ll have to get in line behind lots of other people because I’ve been like this my entire life. I was designing my own comics and magazines in third grade and taught myself to print in italics and boldface when I wrote stories for school, even using “printer’s quotes” that eventually made my teachers believe I was plagiarizing. My mother had to bring a stack of my homemade comic books to school to prove them wrong, and everybody had a new respect for me after that. (It’s also possible they were just frightened and decided to leave me alone.)

It’s another glorious day in North Texas, and after I eat some lunch — which will be very, very soon — Sam and I are going shopping at The Arrangement, a huge, high-end rustic furniture store in snooty north Dallas near the Galleria. I should definitely wear lipstick for this.

Thank you for stopping by.

I’ve got TicTacs and hot hands to keep me company.

2012-01-02T03:37:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was pretty fabulous around here for FONTS. I took advantage of Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day web sale (every font was reduced to $20.12) and bought two — “Wall Scrawler” and “Jeff Campbell” — then I discovered Blambot.com and downloaded four cool comic book fonts for free. All are illustrated for you below. Are these gorgeous, or what? Incidentally, I’m an addict and would rather buy fonts than almost anything else on earth.

If you’re wondering why I’m not in bed at this hour I’m afraid I don’t have a very good explanation. I don’t really have a bad explanation, either, come to think of it ... I’m just wide awake in the middle of the night with the Howdygram, a box of TicTacs and HOT HANDS. The hot hands thing has to be a side effect from one or more of the medications I take every night at 11 p.m. — Pravachol, Amitriptylene, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Spironolactone — because it always kicks in about half an hour later and my hands feel like they’re on fire from the inside out. This is mighty annoying but eventually goes away.

I guess I’d better go back to bed now because I don’t want Sam to wake up and miss me. Thanks for stopping by.

Cowboys, free chili and Miss Einstein takes a drive.

2012-01-01T18:56:00.000-06:00

In case you’re wondering what smells so good I made a huge pot of homemade chili this afternoon ... and it’s ready just in time for the Cowboys/Giants game on NBC. I’d be completely shocked if the Cowboys won tonight, but we watch because we’re always hoping for an elusive miracle that — just once — they won’t suck on national television.

And now, for your possible enjoyment, I’m pleased to offer this partial list of the most outrageous lawsuits of 2011.

Convict sues a couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade the police.
Man illegally brings a gun into a bar, gets injured in a fight and then sues the bar for not searching him for a weapon.
Adult children sue their mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites.
Woman disagrees with a store over an 80¢ refund and sues for $5 million.
Mom sues an exclusive preschool over her child’s diminished college prospects.
Obese man sues White Castle because the booths are too tight.
Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese because she thinks their games encourage gambling in children.

Add to this a news story I read yesterday about a 22-year-old woman who’s suing a bar in South Carolina for not “carding” her in 2009, thereby allowing her to buy alcohol, get wasted, crash her car on the way home and wind up a paraplegic. Police said Miss Einstein was not wearing a seat belt and her blood alcohol level was several times the legal limit. Bottom line ... being a complete moron obviously means you always have to find somebody else to blame for your mistakes.

It’s chili time! We’ve got plenty if you want to come over and watch the Cowboys game with us, so send me a quick email if you’re interested. (We have napkins, too.) Thank you for reading this.

Monkeys don’t have bar mitzvahs.

2012-01-01T10:32:00.000-06:00

Here we go … my first Howdygram post of the new year and an opportunity to announce to the world that Banana Sam is safe. Banana Sam is a teeny spider monkey who was abducted two days ago from his cage at the San Francisco Zoo and then started tweeting to irritate the local police. He was recovered last night at a park about a mile from the zoo. For the record, Banana Sam is no relation whatsoever to Howdygram Sam, who’s visibly cuter, taller, a lot less furry and had a bar mitzvah.

In an effort to take advantage of another day of glorious weather — 65° and sunshine! — here in north Texas, Howdygram Sam and I have been trying to decide what we’d like to do today. New Year’s Day is a holiday, of course, and I don’t think too many retail shopping options exist unless you need a few cans of kidney beans at Walmart, so we’ll probably just go for a nice long drive in the country, which is always a favorite activity, anyway. I’d be hinting about a trip to the Choctaw Casino but Sam already promised we’d go next weekend.

Time for my first shower of the new year. This is so exciting I can’t stand it.

Margaret Dumont is definitely more entertaining than the bubonic plague.

2011-12-31T20:28:00.000-06:00

It’s New Year’s Eve at Howdygram headquarters and all’s right with the world. Groucho is tormenting poor Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup, I just woke up from an especially intense three-hour nap on the most fabulous chaise ever invented and Sam is still unconscious. For the record, we also slept through Room Service and Horse Feathers. A photo of the previously-mentioned fabulous chaise appears below; Groucho and Margaret are posing at right.

Before I forget, Sam and I want to wish all of you a happy, healthy New Year. May yours include lucrative investments, plenty of cake and not voting for Rick Perry no matter what.

We had a terrific day today. After a late breakfast at Denny’s we took a nice long drive to Cross Roads, Texas, to visit the Rustic Furniture Depot. Don’t be fooled by their semi-tacky website because this store is AWESOME. They’ve got the most beautiful — and affordable! — western-themed furniture we’ve ever seen, plus lots of high-end decorative accessories, bedding, artwork, picture frames, dishes, lamps, you name it. I can’t wait to go back and spend money because everything they sell makes you think of Pa Cartwright and the Ponderosa. (All that’s missing is Hop Sing.)

And now it’s time to scrounge up some food and enjoy a couple of cheerful New Year’s Eve classics on TCM ... Fail Safe (1964), a nuclear war doomsday thriller with Henry Fonda, and Panic in the Streets (1950), about a bubonic plague epidemic with Richard Widmark and Jack Palance. It’s really too bad I don’t drink.

Happy New Year ... and thank you for reading the Howdygram’s last post for 2011!

P.S. Marie Osmond is a drag queen, naked pictures of Paula Deen and ugly world leaders.

Marie Osmond, Paula Deen and ugly world leaders.

2011-12-30T16:30:00.000-06:00

I’d like to talk about nice weather for a minute as we’re definitely having plenty of it here in north Texas, with lots of sunshine and temperatures near 70° for the next several days. The only reason I consider this such a big hoo-hah is because I spent the first 36 years of my life in Chicago, and the end of December (and New Year’s Day) always delivered the crappiest, coldest, snowiest weather of the entire year. I remember always going out in sub-zero weather on New Year’s Eve wearing 15 layers of clothes, trying to parallel park on frozen snow, wondering if I’d ever find a way to escape from Siberia. (I did, eventually.)

Breaking news! Sam went to Walmart this morning to pick up a few essentials and called to tell me they carry sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes and frosting. This is very exciting because Walmart’s prices are cheaper than any I’ve found online, plus it’s instant gratification when you can have your cake and eat it, too ... all on the same day! (Whatever the hell that means.)

Guess what. I think I’ve figured out how to ramp up the number of Howdygram visitors. As I mentioned in a post back in November, according to the Howdygram’s statistics on SiteMeter.com our three biggest attractions have been my posts about Paula Deen, Marie Osmond and the ugliest world leaders of all time. So I’m thinking maybe if I type “naked pictures of Paula Deen,” “Marie Osmond is a drag queen” and “ugly world leaders” somewhere in every post I’ll get a million hits a day. Stop laughing ... it’s possible! (I actually might try this.) My first post about Marie looking like a drag queen — way back in August 2010 — was quoted by at least four other blogs that sent 125+ new visitors to the Howdygram in one 24-hour period. That’s huge.

Talk about luck! In an effort to illustrate the previous paragraph I just discovered a new photo of Marie in her finest drag queen get-up — rhinestones, gargantuan earrings, ostrich feathers and those new, exaggerated “trout lips” from some lousy plastic surgery — plus a crazy shot of Paula Deen and the late Kim Jong Il together in the same picture. Damn, I love the Internet!

Sam phoned from work a couple of minutes ago to ask if I had any plans to leave the house today. I lied and said “maybe” even though it’s extremely unlikely. Yes, it’s a gorgeous day. Yes, it’s 68° and sunny, and yes, I’ve got a nice clean car waiting for me in the garage with a box of Altoids on the front seat. But there’s nowhere I really need to go and nothing I really need to buy, so frankly it’s hard to get motivated to put on shoes and a bra for no reason whatsoever. Don’t tell Sam but I think I’ll just stay home. However I might eat cake.

Thank you for reading this.

Gunshots, drought and cruddy bumpers.

2011-12-30T01:12:00.000-06:00

And now for a little late-night excitement from Howdygram headquarters! About 45 minutes ago I’m sitting here at my desk and I hear THUMP THUMP outside the window. I dash into the family room to wake Sam — he was asleep on the sofa last time I checked — but he was already sitting up because he’d heard the noise, too. To me those thumps sounded like gunshots. Sam decides to check around outside without turning on any lights and bumps into two neighbors who were creeping around in the dark doing exactly the same thing. Our neighbor to the south finds a dazed and confused dove sitting on his driveway and thinks it might have smashed into our garage door — or his garage door — a couple of times. I guess it could happen, but that stupid bird must be made of concrete because those thumps were so loud I thought somebody was shooting a rifle. This is a real possibility because Texans love rifles (see example below).

At the moment I’m still a little too freaked out to sleep so I thought it might be therapeutic to hang out with y’all for a while and write this post.

And the drought goes on. Even though we had twice our normal rainfall here during the month of December I just read that the North Texas Municipal Water District is considering “stage 4” water restrictions by the end of January. Stage 4 means we can no longer water our yards or wash our own cars ... no exceptions. This really isn’t such a huge inconvenience in the middle of winter since nobody waters their lawn, anyway, and you can always go to a commercial car wash when you want to scrape the crud off your bumpers. But if we don’t get some decent rain before spring we’re definitely going to end up with a lot of grim landscaping around here. Do a rain dance for us, okay?

I think I’ve calmed down enough to go to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

Trader Joe’s, William Powell and how to get yourself some free furniture.

2011-12-29T16:08:00.006-06:00

Glorioski, hallelujah and start the car … Trader Joe’s is finally coming to Dallas! I just saw an announcement on the Dallas Observer’s website that two stores will open here for sure in 2012 … one on lower Greenville Avenue in Dallas and another in Plano. For the record, I’ll be shopping at the Trader Joe’s on lower Greenville (see map below) because Plano is too far, too crowded, too privileged and too snooty. (Especially snooty.)

I’m so damn excited I think I’ll spend the rest of the afternoon figuring out my first grocery list even though the store on Greenville Avenue probably won’t open until September. (I hate waiting until the last minute.) I wonder if the Trader Joe’s stores here in Texas will stock all or most of my favorites from Los Angeles, such as their fresh-made individual pizzas with cornmeal crust to die for, granola, ginormous frozen sea scallops, beautiful prunes, kosher chicken, couscous salad with real raisins, stuffed peppers, teeny jars of killer sweet/hot mustard, frozen mangoes and — be still, my heart — the best large curd cottage cheese on the planet. Feel free to stay tuned for further developments.

For your possible interest Sam and I made a quick run to Costco this morning to load up on essentials for the long holiday weekend. These included rotisserie chicken salad, Sam’s favorite tortellini pasta salad with little hunks of salami, mozzarella balls wrapped in pepperoni and prosciutto, frozen pot stickers, a pair of calzones, a gigantic can of salted peanuts, a 10-pack of extremely nice kitchen towels, six pounds of ground sirloin and a few other things I can’t remember at the moment. Incidentally, we ate the calzones for lunch. (I wish we’d bought more.)

Hey there, classic movie fans ... TCM is showing another string of back-to-back William Powell films tonight, and I highly recommend all of them: The Great Ziegfeld, Love Crazy, I Love You Again, Manhattan Melodrama, Libeled Lady, Evelyn Prentice and Double Wedding. I probably won’t record these because Sam and I own all the DVDs. We own the entire Thin Man series, too. Come to think of it, we’ve got a virtual TON of classic films around here. (I buy them all from Amazon.com. The prices are incredible.)

Wow ... breaking news from Howdygramland! Remember the defective bench (see yesterday's post) I received a couple of days ago from Amazon? The seller was very apologetic about the problem this morning and refunded my money immediately ... but they don’t want me to return the bench and said I can either keep it or donate it. Seriously! Therefore I’ve decided to keep it for now and try to patch the two little flaws.

I’m going to sacrifice one of the matching throw pillows so I can cut two tiny little pieces of material and stick them on the flaws with fabric glue. If it works, fantastic, the boo-boos will be invisible and I’ve got myself a nice piece of extremely free furniture. If it looks crappy, Sam can always drag the bench out to the curb and a needy local Texan will drive away with it. I’ll let you know how my holiday craft project turns out, okay?

I think I should celebrate my exciting day — Trader Joe’s, more William Powell movies and free furniture — with a nice piece of cake. Thank you for reading this.

Thank God for penicillin and other revelations.

2011-12-28T21:37:00.001-06:00

If you thought I wasn’t going to post anything today you were almost right. I got caught up in a variety of projects — such as an extended and rather luxurious afternoon nap — until I realized a few minutes ago that I don’t want to break my perfect record for the month of December. (I’ve written at least one post every day this month.)

Today’s other projects included: 1) emailing month-end invoices to a bunch of my website clients; 2) eating cake; 3) attacking my feet with a pumice stone; and 4) deciding to return the defective bench that arrived yesterday from Amazon.com (see previous post). The upholstery was ripped in two places with little wads of foam stuffing leaking out, which is not the kind of fine furniture anybody would want in a formal living room unless you’re Jed Clampett. At first I thought about requesting a replacement, but I read a number of online reviews for the identical bench in different colors and realized other customers were having the same problem, so I contacted Amazon for return shipping instructions. I’m annoyed, despondent, aggravated and not in the mood for pizza. (I wouldn’t mind another piece of cake, however.)

Please raise your hand if you’ve ever seen any of the Dr. Kildare movies with Lew Ayres and Lionel Barrymore.

There were eight Dr. Kildare movies — all with the same cast — released between 1938 and 1942. TCM showed the entire series today for Lew Ayres’ birthday. (He would have been 103 if he hadn’t died in 1996.) Although these were definitely “B” movies, it was an eye-opener to see what the world considered acceptable medical practice in those days. For instance, epilepsy was treated and feared like insanity, and doctors believed it was inherited, life-threatening and the kiss of death if you expected to have a career or family. There was also no medical treatment for a high fever other than ice cubes for the patient and everybody else pacing up and down the hall with their fingers crossed waiting for “something to happen.” Sure makes a person realize how much the world has advanced since then. We’ve got ordinary OTC meds available today that would have saved lives 75 years ago.

Can you believe it’s almost New Year’s Eve? Only three days left to buy your party hats and screwy noisemakers. Thank you for reading this.

I’d rather have hemorrhoids than Rick Perry in the White House.

2011-12-27T21:02:00.001-06:00

And now, the latest from Rick Perry’s campaign! Apparently our blowhard Einstein had a “miraculous transformation” last week after watching an anti-abortion film produced by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Perry now claims he is completely against abortion for any reason whatsoever, even in cases of rape and incest, and has signed a stringent (translation: right-wing extremist) Personhood USA Pledge that expects signatories to oppose abortion “without exception and without compromise.” Obviously Governor Hairdo thinks a woman should be forced to reward a rapist by bearing his child.

This is the same jerk who tried to pass a law in Texas subjecting women seeking legal abortions to undergo a fetal sonogram and listen to the fetus’ heartbeat, be required to sit through a lecture by her doctor describing the fetus and the size of its limbs, and then wait an additional 24 hours before surgery. Perry’s proposed anti-abortion law — the most extreme in the United States — was based on the assumption that a woman is too immature and incompetent to choose an abortion without “informed consent.” However, according to an attorney for the Center for Reproductive Rights, “Informed consent is about medical risk. Pregnant women are already aware that they’re carrying a fetus.”

Perry’s law was struck down. And his candidacy for President should be struck down, too. I’d rather have hemorrhoids than Rick Perry in the White House, and I don’t care who knows it. Holy crap.

It’s that time again. Time to publish a list of Marcy’s Resolutions for the New Year … a collection of over-reaching personal directives that I’ll probably screw up on or before January 2. Here they are for your possible interest and amusement.

Make a serious effort to cut back on yellow cake with chocolate frosting and eat more devil’s food cake with vanilla frosting. Also brownies.
Pretend I like my clients and consider answering the phone once in a while.
Consume fewer bags of Chester’s Puffcorn Cheese and Butter flavors. Vow to try Flamin’ Hot.

Stop smashing my toes on our new family room furniture.
Try one new restaurant every month.
Increase Howdygram readership by posting naked pictures of random people. (Feel free to submit your photo here.)
Buy stock in Amazon.com.

Please don’t hesitate to share some of your New Year’s resolutions because Howdygramsters far and wide would love to know. Thank you for reading this!

Our favorite one-pot rice dish.

2011-12-27T01:14:00.001-06:00

Direct from the Howdygram’s test kitchen, here’s a favorite recipe for Easy One-Pot Greek Rice that Sam and I really love. Give it a shot and let me know what you think!

1½ lbs. lean ground beef
3 tablespoons olive oil
1½ cups raw long-grain white rice
1 large onion, diced
1 can tomato paste
1½ tablespoons salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
3 tablespoons dried mint leaves
4 cups water
juice of 5 lemons

Dump everything into a big nonstick kettle, stir to break up the ground beef, cover the pot and simmer for about 45 minutes or until all the liquid is absorbed. If you want softer rice throw in an extra half-cup of water. Doesn’t get much easier than this, does it? There’s enough here to serve at least six ... or two hungry people for three meals.

I highly recommend cake for dessert, but I’d probably eat cake with just about anything. Thank you for reading this.

A little Bing, a little Brian and a couple of “Cops.”

2011-12-26T23:30:00.000-06:00

Tuesday will be a major event at Howdygram headquarters because we’re expecting THREE EXCITING DELIVERIES … an OXO stainless steel sponge holder and a stunning upholstered bench from Amazon.com and a couple of Pillsbury sugar-free devil’s food cake mixes from Low Carb Connoisseur.

The sponge holder and bench are pictured above (not shown actual size). I won’t bother posting a photo of a Pillsbury cake mix because everybody should know what this looks like unless you’re from Kazakhstan.

Sam and I had a nice, quiet day today. The weather was crappy (cold, wet, overcast) so we didn’t feel compelled to do very much besides lunch at Pei Wei and a nap when we got home. For dinner I made a terrific one-pot Greek rice dish — it’s one of Sam’s favorites — with plenty leftover for a few meals during the week. I’ll post the recipe tomorrow for your possible interest. We also watched Going My Way with Bing Crosby, a terrific documentary about Brian Wilson and two episodes of “Cops” before Sam decided to hit the sack. I’ll be joining him shortly but first I need a quick trip to the kitchen for some lemonade. I’m thirsty.

Thanks for stopping by tonight. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Mobsters, dim sum and Raisinets.

2011-12-26T02:18:00.001-06:00

I thought it might be worthwhile to write a quick post before I go to sleep. I’m not exactly tired at the moment and it always helps me unwind if I horse around with the Howdygram for a little while. First, here’s a really cute video clip from YouTube for your possible interest. (Sam and I both got a kick out of this.)

And now, three unforgettable events from this date in history!

December 26, 1946. Mobster Bugsy Siegel opens the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. Comedian Jimmy Durante was the headliner with music by Cuban band leader Xavier Cugat. A crowd of Siegel’s Hollywood pals showed up, too, including actors George Raft, George Sanders, Sonny Tufts and George Jessel. Unfortunately, the grand opening flopped due to seriously crappy weather, the casino lost $300,000 its first week and Bugsy wound up in deep doo-doo. (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)
December 26, 1973. Legendary horror film The Exorcist opens. Based on the novel by William Peter Blatty, the movie starred Linda Blair as a 12-year-old girl named Regan who’s possessed by a demon. When her freaked-out mother (played by Ellen Burstyn) finally decides to contact a priest, he recommends performing an exorcism, during which Regan’s head spins 360°, her body levitates and she projectile vomits green bile. The Exorcist earned a reputation as one of the most terrifying movies in history. (Popcorn sales sucked and nobody bought Raisinets, either.)

December 26, 2004. A magnitude 9.3 earthquake — the second-largest in recorded history — off the coast of Indonesia triggers a deadly tsunami that killed an estimated 230,000 people from Southeast Asia to the coast of Africa. The quake lasted almost ten full minutes, triggering other earthquakes as far away as Alaska and causing the entire planet to shift on its axis. Holy crap.

In case you’re interested, Sam and I had a pleasant, typically Jewish Christmas yesterday. We drove to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum, fondly recalling that classic scene from A Christmas Story when the family winds up at a Chinese restaurant (pictured below) on Christmas and the waiters are singing “Deck the Hors with Boughs of Horry” as they whack off the head of a Peking duck.

Pass the soy sauce and thank you for reading this.

Hey! Where’s Santa?

2011-12-25T02:57:00.001-06:00

Christmas News Flash. Sam has been unconscious almost nonstop since 2:30 yesterday afternoon. He stayed awake long enough to eat dinner and briefly discuss the weather, then he slept through two excellent movies, migrated into the bedroom and I haven’t seen him since. Maybe if I start singing Christmas carols he’ll wake up and keep me company. It’s raining and I’m really bored.

Incidentally, I’m having a major issue again with my Firefox browser (see original post). It started locking up on me about two hours ago and I’ve had to “force quit” at least half a dozen times. I reloaded the software from Firefox’s website with no luck and even tried Sam’s secret trick — using the Mac’s Time Machine feature to restore an earlier version — and that didn’t work, either. I’m so fed up I’ve switched to Google Chrome and just spent 45 minutes transferring 14 folders of bookmarks. Holy crapola, what a time waster.

Hot news from campaign 2012 indicates that blowhard presidential wannabe Donald Trump (see right) has bolted from the GOP to consider running as an independent candidate. (Writing that sentence gave me acid reflux.) This dude is a loudmouth self-promoter who’s been pandering to right-wing extremists and acting like a media clown with no tangible principles, foreign policy knowledge or understanding of the issues. Just because Trump can buy his way into the media and self-fund his own candidacy doesn’t make him a viable independent. Bottom line ... there’s absolutely nothing about Donald Trump that’s remotely electable, even if he shaves his head.

With that said, I guess I’ll head off to bed now and dream about ~~sugar plums~~ hideous comb-overs. Smooches to one and all from the Howdygram!

Ho ho ho, y’all.

2011-12-24T17:55:00.001-06:00

Unlike last Saturday and the Saturday before that, we did NOT go to the Choctaw Casino today. As a matter of fact, we almost didn’t get out of bed whatsoever, but this statement is NOT as racy as it sounds. For instance ... I woke up this morning at 8:30, took my meds, went back to bed half an hour later and slept until the crack of noon, at which time Sam and I ate lunch, watched Another Thin Man with William Powell and took an extended nap because eating and changing channels can be exhausting. At the moment Sam is still unconscious with the Cowboys/Eagles game on TV and I’m struggling to shake the cobwebs out of my brain. It feels like somebody drugged us, but I’m betting the weather — dark, rainy and 41° — might have something to do with this. It’s an extremely blecchy Christmas Eve in Howdygramland.

Regardless ...

We’re having lox and bagels for dinner at Howdygram headquarters, after which I’ll unwrap tonight’s Hanukkah present from Sam. He’s giving me his toes ... a different toe every night. This is such a big hit that I think the Howdygram should launch a new charity drive in 2012: Toes for Tots.

Thank you for reading this.

Mission accomplished.

2011-12-23T20:16:00.000-06:00

I’m amazing. Relative to the content of my last post I just spent an hour and a half immersed in the following projects: 1) opening assorted windows to air out the house; 2) running from room to room shpritzing Yankee Candle’s Lilac Blossoms concentrate; 3) cleaning the oven — and the oven racks — twice with Easy-Off; and 4) scraping and scrubbing the overfilled roasting pan that caused this damn mess in the first place.

Although I still have a few more minor kitchen touch-ups left to do — and my back is killing me — I feel exceptionally accomplished and I’m positive that Sam will be proud of me when he gets home. I even think I deserve dim sum for lunch tomorrow. In the meantime, however, I’m 100% exhausted and might need cake.

Thank you for reading this.

I just did the unthinkable.

2011-12-23T17:32:00.000-06:00

Call in the Marines. About 45 minutes ago my Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage casserole oozed all over the floor of the oven and filled the entire house with smoke. I don’t really know what happened — maybe the pan was overfilled — but it absolutely STINKS in here. I’ve got the ventilator on full blast, I opened as many windows as possible in the family room without breaking my back — it’s 40° outside! — and I just finished transferring the stuffed cabbage to a gigantic kettle so it can finish cooking on top of the stove. As soon as the entree from hell is done I’ll attack the oven with a can of Easy-Off and try figure out how to make the house smell nice before Sam gets home from work. What a mess.

Volunteers, general helpers and work supervisors would be greatly appreciated, so please send an email as soon as possible if you’re interested. Cookies and milk will be provided. Thank you.

I’d rather buy a new car than Air Jordan sneakers.

2011-12-23T16:17:00.005-06:00

It’s a dark, cold and moderately crappy Friday here in the Dallas area, and Weather.com says we’re expecting rain all weekend with temperatures in the mid-30s. Sounds to me like we’re edging dangerously close to that four-letter word I despise so much — snow — but since nobody’s talking about sub-freezing temperatures I refuse to get prematurely hysterical.

While my weekly pot of Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage is baking in the oven I thought I’d share the following video clip of stampeding Einsteins in Indianapolis, proving once again that the future of our nation lies in the hands of certifiable morons.

These fine citizens are shopping for AIR JORDAN SNEAKERS. Thousands of them had been in line outside overnight, waiting for the mall to open. They’re shown here trampling each other, stomping on children, ripping steel doors off their hinges and fighting with police.

I don’t get it. We make fun of brainwashed North Koreans crying for their “Dear Leader” but it’s okay for Americans to kill each other for canvas shoes that cost as much as a car payment.

Oy. Thank you for reading this.

There’s no place like home … especially for groceries.

2011-12-22T18:16:00.001-06:00

Oy, what a day trying to get to Tom Thumb for groceries! I was feeling perky this morning and decided to shop at the Tom Thumb at Preston Road and Forest Lane in Dallas, the store with the fancy-shmancy kosher market inside (see below). Huge mistake. Not only didn’t I find a handicapped parking spot, I didn’t find any parking spots at all. The lot was so clogged it looked more like Cowboys Stadium during the Super Bowl, with oversized SUVs (mostly Escalades) idling in the aisles waiting for somebody — anybody — to pull out of a space. After several minutes of this pointless crapola I got the hell out of there, drove all the way back to Mesquite and shopped at the Kroger that’s two minutes from home. Maybe even less than two minutes from home.

For your possible interest, the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Tom Thumb at Preston and Forest in Dallas. It’s a 16-mile drive and not the smartest decision I’ve ever made.

Before I forget, there’s another string of back-to-back William Powell movies tonight on TCM. This time they’re showing all six of his legendary Thin Man films with Myrna Loy starting at 7 p.m. Central time. You’re welcome to come over and watch at my house but you’ll have to bring your own popcorn (I don’t have any) and help me fold socks. I’m a multi-tasker.

And speaking of legendary ... I thought I’d include this must-see video clip of Bob Hope (as Eddie Foy) and James Cagney (as George M. Cohan) dancing in 1955’s The Seven Little Foys. It’s an adorable performance, especially when you consider this was the only time Hope and Cagney appeared together on film and both men were already more than 55 years old. (Until I watched this movie a few weeks ago I don’t think I ever realized Bob Hope was such a good dancer.)

I’m having lemon mousse and leftover egg foo young for dinner tonight but not necessarily in that order. If you’re hungry send me an email and I’ll save you some. Thanks for stopping by.

The future of art in America.

2011-12-22T11:59:00.002-06:00

I did it. I don’t know why I did it, but I did it nonetheless. Last night I gave up an entire hour of my life watching the grand finale of Bravo TV’s “Work of Art,” a frightening reality show competition that’s based on the age-old premise “shit sells.” The final three contestants appear below.

And now I’d like to post a representation of the finale’s artwork (a term I use loosely here) to demonstrate how lame, pretentious and infantile this program actually is. The lack of talent displayed here makes “Dancing with the Stars” look like the Joffrey Ballet.

Young strung clotheslines across the gallery and pinned up a collection of his late father’s shirts festooned with snapshots of dad while he was dying. On the floor, bottom right, is a little pile of dirt with a bowling trophy in the middle. For sculptural appeal he also built a red and green phone booth.

Sara’s show consisted of a white birdcage with a lot of paper airplanes flying out and underwear made of human hair.

Kymia — who actually won last night — displayed three crap-filled graves and a helmet made of metal feathers. She also showed two watercolors with dirt glued to them. The one on the left is a dead body in the ground and the one on the right is a boat with feet on the sail. The judges were so ecstatic they wet their pants and Kymia went home with $100,000 and a guaranteed private show at the Brooklyn Museum. I had such a headache I took two extra-strength Tylenol.

There you have it ... the future of art in America. Graves, clotheslines, paper airplanes and bowling trophies. God help us.

Covering all the essentials.

2011-12-21T16:00:00.000-06:00

I’m so tired right now I can’t see straight. I woke up this morning at 6:30 (way too early) but didn’t go back to bed because our maid service comes at 9 a.m. on Wednesdays and I’m one of those people who has to clean the house before they get here. (I’m not kidding about this.) Unfortunately, I nodded off at the keyboard a little while ago and had to delete several rows of lowercase Fs.

To brighten up my day — and yours — I just ordered a stunning upholstered bench from Amazon.com.

I figure this will provide essential extra seating in our formal living room even though we’ve lived in our house almost five years and have never actually had any company except for my mother-in-law once a year in October and the occasional delivery dude from China City. The aforementioned delivery dude really can’t be considered “company,” however, because he doesn’t get past the front door even if he’s carrying Mongolian chicken.

FYI, the price of this bench was pretty fabulous (and $18 less than Overstock.com) with free shipping and no tax. And I’m sure all of you know by now how I feel about free shipping and no sales tax.

I’d better get back to my mountain of laundry. But first, please consider watching these excellent movies tonight on TCM starting at 7 p.m. Central time ... The Front (1976) with Woody Allen, Ball of Fire (1941) with Barbara Stanwyck and Gary Cooper and Born Yesterday (1950) with Judy Holliday and William Holden. I’m particularly fond of Born Yesterday. You should also consider tuning in for the grand finale of Bravo’s “Work of Art” to find out which neurotic, untalented street urchin goes home with $100,000. (Am I bitter? Nah.)

Thank you for reading this.

Finally, an overpriced shortcut to Plano.

2011-12-21T07:54:00.000-06:00

Just in time for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve and Washington’s Birthday, the Howdygram and the North Texas Tollway Authority are pleased to announce the GRAND OPENING of the eastern extension of the President George Bush Turnpike late Wednesday afternoon. Following three years of highly annoying construction the new stretch will connect several suburbs north of Lake Ray Hubbard to I-30 in northeastern Dallas County.

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Denny’s (we highly recommend their Senior Scrambled Eggs); C) Lake Ray Hubbard; and D) the southern end of the new President George Bush Turnpike extension, about four miles from home.

I should also mention that we’ll probably never use this stupid road because: 1) the tolls are way too expensive; 2) nobody with a brain needs an overpriced shortcut to Plano; and 3) I’m not wild about the name even though it honors George Bush senior (see right) and NOT his son.

Big news! We get our biweekly Schwan’s delivery this morning and I’ve ordered a couple of new products ... cute little turkey meatballs and a sack of mixed berries. In a few days I’ll use the berries to make Marcy’s Sugar-Free Fruit Cobbler.

It occurs to me that Trader Joe’s would be a lot cheaper for frozen berries — they’re cheaper for everything, actually — but they haven’t started building any of their stores yet in Texas. I’d like to yell at somebody but I don’t know who. Let me know if you want to volunteer, okay?

Thank you for reading this.

Nothing says Hanukkah like toes, cake and mousse.

2011-12-20T17:50:00.000-06:00

Before I forget … Happy Hanukkah from your pals at the Howdygram! Hanukkah starts at sundown tonight and lasts for eight days, which means there’s still time to send me some presents. Please allow me to suggest the following last-minute gift options: 1) cash; 2) a set of place mats; 3) a large box of Equal packets; and 4) one week in Grand Cayman with Sam, including airfare, meals and new shoes. Click here if you need my shipping address.

In case you’re interested, Sam says he’s giving me eight of his toes for Hanukkah. A different toe every night. I’m actually excited about this.

Breaking news ... my first order from eDietShop.com (see previous post) just showed up and I’m so happy I can hardly stand it. I bought two sugar-free mousse mixes, one package of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix and a big pouch of sugar-free raspberry jello mix. No surprise, I just discovered that Amazon.com sells the same brand (Sans Sucre) at a slightly higher price but with free two-day shipping. I just ordered these flavors:

Howdygram headquarters will be overrun with mousse as soon as I get myself a gallon of nonfat milk, although I might need more refrigerator space. Please send an email if you have an extra shelf I can borrow.

I think I’ll empty the dishwasher now and then make some dinner so I can have cake for dessert. I love cake. Thanks for stopping by.

When technology sucks.

2011-12-20T11:20:00.003-06:00

I’m sick of technology, and Facebook has to be the worst. Because I choose not to waste my life posting banal public messages on somebody’s “wall” I’m made to feel like a social outcast. Every business on the Internet wants me to “like” them before I qualify for a coupon and lately I can’t even post a comment to an online news article unless I’m signed in to a Facebook account. For the record, I’m also sick of “celebrity tweets.” Don’t people read books, make soup or take naps any more?

I also want to crab about email for a minute. Although I enjoy an occasional email as much as the next person I really resent the never-ending commercial crap. For instance, after placing my very first $9 web order with PaperGoods.com two weeks ago — which also might be my last — they haven’t stopped bombarding me with ads, daily discounts, special offers, contests (who the hell wants to win paper cups?) and invitations to join a stupid reseller program. Come on … does anybody really sign up to resell Saran Wrap?

Other serious email offenders include Kirkland’s, “Southern Living” magazine and Vista Print.

My top-ranking pet peeve, though, is still AARP — the American Association of Royal Pests — for sending at least four emails a day on critical topics such as:

“Job Ideas for Retirees”

“Win a Trip to the Grammys”

“Veggies That Spice Up the Holidays”

“Save $3.60 on Kellogg’s Cereal”

“Take Care of Your Gums”

“Marlo Thomas Wants You to Laugh”

“Master Indoor Gardening”

“Learn to Play Pyramid Solitaire”

“Don’t Ignore Your Feet”

This is in addition to AARP’s daily snail-mail offers for long-term care insurance, cruise discounts, Medicare supplements, prescription drug programs and shameless requests for money. Plus ongoing political causes and how to send hate mail to Congress. (I’m actually okay with the hate mail part.)

Maybe I should think about lunch for a while because we’ve got some swell chicken tamales that Sam bought yesterday at Costco. Tamales are good. Pass the hot sauce and thank you for reading this.

Why I’m glad I don’t live in Amarillo.

2011-12-19T19:20:00.000-06:00

We’ve had a considerable amount of weather around here today, primarily heavy rain and a few non-frightening thunderstorms. I suppose I should be thankful I don’t live anywhere near Amarillo, however, because they’re being slammed by a blizzard that’s dumping up to two feet of snow. At least we don’t have to shovel rain here in the Dallas area, and I know I’ll be able to get to Kroger tomorrow to buy some groceries.

Before I tackle the hot news story du jour, please allow me to post the following photo of transgender doofus Chaz Bono (on left) with an old and terrifying Richard Simmons, who appears to be spray-painting the front half of his head. (Note to Richard: this is NOT your best look.)

As for the aforementioned hot news story, apparently Chaz and fiancée Jennifer Elia (see right) have announced the end of their engagement. They became engaged earlier this year on a reality show following a six-year relationship, during which Chaz was mostly a semi-attractive female with blonde hair until ~~she~~ he underwent a sex change “transition” in 2010 to become an unattractive, overweight dude in a size 48-short suit. This is confusing on so many levels I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, is Jennifer Elia straight or gay?

Time for dinner. I’m leaning towards a can of bean soup and a couple of sugar-free cookies, although I might be convinced to change my mind if somebody wants to come over with a large bag of Chinese food. You have 15 minutes to respond here. Thank you.

Fear and loathing in North Korea.

2011-12-19T10:30:00.000-06:00

Sam is my hero. As I write this post he’s at Costco shopping for two items on my “wish list” … 1) a ginormous package of extra-lean ground beef; and 2) stuffed mushrooms. I’m also hoping to get to the supermarket today or tomorrow for a large pile of regular groceries so I’ll have ingredients on hand during the holidays. I want to make homemade Beef Barley Soup, a lot more Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage and a big pot of chili. I’m hungry, damn it.

In case you missed the big news from impoverished North Korea, former supreme leader and hardcore funnyman Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure. The country is encouraging its people to support — as if they have a choice, right? — his youngest son and hand-picked heir, Kim Jong Un, pictured below. Nobody really knows exactly how old this well-fed little screwball might be, but 28 is the best guess by those who give a crap.

According to Kim Jong Il’s private sushi chef, this particular son was daddy’s favorite because he’s so good-looking and resembles his handsome and popular late grandfather, Kim Il Sung (see inset), who had lots of teeth. We at the Howdygram wish North Korea lots of mazel with their latest rock star and hope he’ll be as modest and frugal as his late father. For example, the late Kim Jong Il: 1) reportedly spent $800,000 annually on imported French wine and Hennessey cognac; 2) traveled around North Korea in a private armored train with a team of executive chefs that had live lobsters flown in daily; 3) claimed that he learned to play golf in 1994 and immediately shot 38-under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course with no fewer than 11 holes-in-one; and 4) loved American movies and owned 20,000 DVDs. To keep all this in perspective, two million North Koreans starved to death during the mid-1990s and North Korea is considered the most oppressed nation on earth.

I think I need to watch a Jerry Lewis movie now. Thank you for reading this.

At last ... a source for sugar-free marshmallow Peeps.

2011-12-18T23:13:00.000-06:00

I’ll bet you thought I wouldn’t write a post today because it’s almost 10 p.m. and you haven’t heard a peep from me since last night. To tell you the truth, it’s been a lazy, sleepy Sunday around here with overcast weather and no real motivation to do much of anything except eat lox and bagels and sleep through a couple of movies. If I hadn’t read the news that Britney Spears got engaged, Sunday might have been a total loss.

We’re expecting a full day of thunderstorms here on Monday. Unfortunately, a crappy weather forecast totally screws the Costco junket I’d been planning. When it’s a week before Christmas the only time to do Costco is with the “cane and walker brigade” — a group to which I proudly belong — when the doors open at 10. I guess I’ll have to go Tuesday instead. If they’re out of stuffed mushrooms I swear I’ll have a brain hemhorrage. (Costco makes the best stuffed mushrooms on earth.)

FYI, if you’re a diabetic no-sugar neurotic like I am I’ve just discovered another cool website that might interest you. It’s Low Carb Connoisseur, and they’ve got an outrageous variety of must-have products such as sugar-free MARSHMALLOW PEEPS, sugar-free RUSSELL STOVER EASTER BUNNIES and sugar-free HOT TAMALES GUM. Oy!

They also carry all of Pillsbury’s sugar-free cake mixes and frosting. Amazon.com might be slightly cheaper for these but Low Carb Connoisseur doesn’t make you buy everything in multiples of six, which can be an advantage if you’re not baking for the Marine Corps.

One final thought, which I’ll reinforce with an appropriate photo ... RICK PERRY IS A TOTAL IDIOT.

Now he’s telling Christians to stop being “politically correct” and drag their faith into political forums, demand prayer in public and prayer in schools, force everybody to celebrate Christmas and make the rest of us feel like outcasts. Frankly, Governor Perry, you’re a fool who shouldn’t be running for President. You should be running for Pastor-in-Chief of your neighborhood Baptist church.

Thank you for putting up with me.

God might be driving a FedEx truck.

2011-12-17T22:46:00.003-06:00

A couple of hours ago I’m really hungry and standing in the pantry hunting around for something to eat when the doorbell rings. It’s 8:30 p.m. and pitch black outside. Sam asks if I’m expecting anybody. I reply, “You’re kidding, right? We don’t have any friends.” He opens the door and it’s FedEx, magically delivering a stunning gift basket — from one of my clients in Virginia — stuffed with A BIG PILE OF AMAZING, READY-TO-EAT CRUNCHY THINGS. The timing was eerie, providential and absolutely perfect.

I found this photo on the shipper’s website. Posing here are a bag of kick-ass pretzels and peanuts spicy enough to make your nose run, queso dip, salsa, hot sauce, tortilla chips, guacamole seasoning and chili mix. The basket itself is awfully nice, too, although I’m not sure what I’ll do with it yet. Right now my main concern is consuming as many snacks as possible — as quickly as possible — before I starve to death. (I haven’t eaten anything since we had lunch at the casino.)

I need to eat something. Thank you for reading this.

Celebrating coconut cream pie, freebies and a birthday.

2011-12-17T19:05:00.000-06:00

This was a wonderful and exceptionally surprising day. After a lazy morning we decided on dim sum at Hong Kong Royal for a late lunch, but halfway to the restaurant Sam noticed a “traffic alert” sign on the LBJ Freeway about a ginormous backup near our exit so he merged onto the 75 north and took me to the Choctaw Casino instead. Choctaw Casino! Two Saturdays in a row!

But the exceptional surprises continued.

For instance: 1) I had enough points on my Player’s Club card today to pay for two free buffet lunches, where I enjoyed excellent hot and sour soup, a couple of nice tamales with even nicer guacamole and a little wad of mashed potatoes, among other things; 2) today’s featured sugar-free pie was coconut cream; 3) our waitress’ name was Janice; and 4) Sam and I both won some dough at the penny slots, then we peed and drove home. Life just doesn’t get much better than this. At the moment Sam is asleep in the family room watching a Jerry Lewis movie.

For your possible interest, our lucky slot machine today was “Cash Wizard,” with lots of free spins, bonus rounds and nice payouts. Sam does a happy dance when he wins. I like to watch.

And now for something completely different.

Sam’s brother David, pictured here with a car driving into the side of his head, is celebrating his birthday on December 18. Even if you don’t know him I think you should should buy a cake and sing something. “Happy Birthday” is our standard recommendation but selections by Bing Crosby, Lady Gaga or Herman’s Hermits would be fine, too. Mazel tov, David!

Eating cake for dinner and other incredible things.

2011-12-16T19:16:00.003-06:00

Happy Friday from Howdygram headquarters. I wasn’t planning to write another post tonight but so many truly incredible things have happened here today that I feel compelled to share the news. I almost don’t know where to begin but a simple list would probably be appropriate.

Incredible Thing #1. Our handyman showed up this afternoon to do a couple of projects for us. If anything ever requires grout, caulk or spackle, Gary’s the dude to call. He’s the undisputed Spackle King of Texas. You can check out his stunning website here. Three guesses who designed it. (Me.)

Incredible Thing #2. I updated the Howdygram’s banner and graphics a little while ago. Tell your friends.

Incredible Thing #3. I’m having cake for dinner tonight with a side dish of mashed potatoes. (I try to include a vegetable whenever possible.)

Upon closer examination it’s possible that these things may not be exciting to anybody but me so I apologize profusely if you feel cheated, robbed, disappointed, despondent, sick to your stomach or led astray. No kidding.

I only have one comment about today’s preliminary hearing in the Jerry Sandusky case ... HE’S GOING TO FRY FOR THIS and I’ll bet all the coaches and university officers who looked the other way wind up in prison right alongside him. Holy crap, what a disgusting train wreck.

Oy. Thank you for reading this.

My pre-dawn Internet treasure hunt.

2011-12-16T06:35:00.001-06:00

I love getting up before sunrise because I can shop while everybody else in Texas is still asleep, such as Sam. And even though I’m basically just shopping online, for me it’s like sneaking into the mall before they open the doors. In a bathrobe with bed hair, no less.

And so ... five minutes ago I placed my very first order with eDietShop.com! This included one each of the following products: sugar-free chocolate mousse mix, sugar-free pumpkin pie filling mix, sugar-free raspberry gelatin (one $3.89 pouch makes 32 ½-cup servings) and sugar-free chocolate cheesecake mix. Grand total: $14.87. This is damn exciting and I don’t care who knows it. You, too, can own sugar-free treasures just like these:

After I finished ordering I answered one of those dopey BizRate surveys, thereby qualifying for up to FOUR FREE MAGAZINES for a whole year. I normally don’t bother with crapola like this but today I took the bait. I ordered “Taste of Home” (cooking and recipes) but decided to skip the rest due to a paralyzing disinterest in bowhunting, Latina fashion, black entrepreneurs, cigars, outdoor photography and motorcycle repair. There were also three vapid pop culture periodicals with assorted Kardashians on the covers (excuse me for a minute while I vomit) and one that featured yet another plastic, reprocessed portrait of 65-year-old Paula Deen (see above), the Food Network’s reigning Queen of Butter, that’s been Photoshopped into unrecognizable oblivion.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a little while and try to warm up my feet on Sam. I’m married to a human heater. Shalom, y’all.

Looking ahead to the Festival of Lights.

2011-12-15T16:48:00.002-06:00

Once again I’m pleased to post my annual Hanukkah Wish List, and y’all will be thrilled to know that you still have plenty of time to shop and ship before the holiday officially ends at sundown on December 28! Please send an email if you need my home address because I wouldn’t want any presents to wind up at somebody else’s house by mistake. Here’s what I want most this year:

News websites with large-print articles.
More baby pictures of Sam.
Cash.
A giant-size scratching post for humans.
Trader Joe’s in Mesquite.
An email moratorium from AARP.
A 24-hour dim sum delivery service.
Servants to make sure I always have clean sheets, an empty dishwasher and a walk-in closet that’s organized by season, color and sleeve length.
A lifetime supply of Coke Zero and Yankee Candle electric air freshener refills (Midnight Jasmine and Lilac Blossoms).

In addition, I’d also like to post this Howdygram photo montage of highly repulsive creeps, jerks and idiots who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and if somebody could make them all disappear it would be the greatest Hanukkah present of all time. I would even send you some homemade latkes with a couple of napkins to demonstrate my gratitude.

It’s dark and rainy today in Howdygramland, which is ideal nap weather and I might even hide the phone for a couple of hours. Incidentally, just a reminder that TCM is featuring another night of back-to-back William Powell movies tonight starting at 7 p.m. central time. Titles include a few genuine classics like Life with Father, Mister Roberts and One Way Passage plus a few titles I’ve never seen before. Call me if you make popcorn, okay? We don’t have any.

Thank you for reading this.

The world’s easiest dessert that’s not a box of donuts.

2011-12-15T03:40:00.000-06:00

Marcy’s Sugar-Free Fruit Cobbler is one hell of a great recipe even if I say so myself. It’s easy, it tastes wonderful and you can even serve it to company with no embarrassment whatsoever if you use nice bowls. I make mine sugar-free because I’m diabetic but I’ve included two recipe variations (see below) in case you prefer regular sugar instead of Equal.

1 box dry Pillsbury sugar-free yellow cake mix
8 to 10 packets of Equal
1 stick melted butter
Pam spray
2 lbs. frozen unsweetened fruit (peaches, blueberries or raspberries)

Preheat your oven to 350°. Place frozen fruit on the bottom of a 9 x 13 glass baking dish that’s been shpritzed with Pam. Sprinkle the fruit with Equal. Pour dry cake mix on top and tap the pan gently until it settles evenly with no fruit visible. Drizzle the butter over the cake mix. Bake for about 45 minutes until brown and bubbly and you can’t stand waiting any more.

If fresh berries are in season, substitute 4 cups for the frozen fruit.

Is this gorgeous, or what? Please send an email if you’d like to request an enlargement that’s suitable for framing. The cost is $1.95 plus postage for a limited time only. Operators are standing by.

Recipe Variations. If you’re not diabetic like me you can use any ordinary yellow cake mix and do one of two things ...

Skip the Equal and sprinkle your fresh or frozen fruit with ¼ cup granulated sugar.
Instead of fresh or frozen fruit substitute canned fruit in syrup. Specifically, you’d use two 28-oz. cans plus the syrup/liquid from one of them. (Don’t add any additional sugar unless you’re a junkie.)

Grab the truffle oil and stop the bleeding.

2011-12-14T21:19:00.000-06:00

We’ve got a nice little thunderstorm rolling through here right now with lots of nice heavy rain, and I figured it might be fun to share the news with my friends in Howdygramland because we still don’t get nearly enough rain here.

I love the sound of rain. I also love the sound of CAKE (see previous post).

About an hour ago I decided to watch The Lottery Bride (1930) starring Jeanette MacDonald, Joe E. Brown and Zasu Pitts. This is a deeply irritating operetta set in Norway featuring fake icicles and extremely bad styrofoam snowdrifts attempting to evoke the Arctic Circle. The music, which is even worse than the scenery, was composed by a person named Rudolf Friml. I’m not joking about this. I watched for about 40 minutes until I wanted to kill somebody.

Thank God there’s plenty of alternative programming available tonight, such as Bravo TV’s “Work of Art” and “Top Chef.”

“Work of Art” is thoroughly frightful, but I hate to admit that season nine of “Top Chef,” which was filmed right here in Texas, is sucking, too. I always enjoyed “Top Chef” in previous years but so far not even ONE of the cheftestants has exhibited a shred of talent and there isn’t even any juicy drama except for the klutz-of-the-week slicing off a finger during the QuickFire challenge. At least we get to watch them figure out how to stop the hemhorraging ... sort of like “MacGyver” with truffle oil and potato peelers.

Sam is on his way home so I guess I’ll publish this post and move on with my life. Thanks for stopping by.

Cake is a vehicle for frosting.

2011-12-14T18:12:00.000-06:00

My new Farberware nonstick baking pan was delivered yesterday at 3:45 p.m. and by 4 I was already baking my first-ever sugar-free Pillsbury yellow cake with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. The results were incredible. It tastes exactly like a regular yellow cake with regular fudgy frosting! Even Sam loved it ... and he typically reacts to sugar-free dessert like it’s a Doris Day movie. (With the same expression on his face.)

I’m living in cake heaven right now. Cake is beautiful. Cake is brilliant. Cake is the MOST AMAZING FOOD EVER INVENTED next to Mongolian chicken. God bless cake! And as long as I’m spouting my innermost food philosophies, I’ll share one more revelation ... cake is a vehicle for frosting just like gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish. I’m serious. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

I’ve got a ginormous issue to report to you. Yesterday, for the first time since he was in kindergarten, Sam forgot to take his lunch to ~~school~~ work! He left the bag sitting on the kitchen counter and I didn’t discover it until he was already at the office, at which time I called immediately to find out if he’d been cheating on my homemade turkey and cheese sandwiches with fast food or another woman. He denied any wrongdoing whatsoever, which means apparently this isolated episode was just one of those peculiar anomalies of life — like the day I completely forgot to cut his sandwich in half — and our marriage is still intact. You can stop worrying now, okay?

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH. I’ll post my wish list tomorrow. Shalom, y’all.

Let’s take a road trip!

2011-12-13T21:27:00.001-06:00

I want to share an incredibly cool, previously-undiscovered feature on Google’s map website that allows all Howdygramsters — even those of you who may not be not old enough to drive — to share a genuine road trip with Sam without packing a toothbrush!

Get ready for some big fun. Click here to access Google maps, choose “get directions” at the top left corner and fill in “A” and “B” as shown below. Click the big blue button, choose “3D,” and fasten your seat belt because Google’s going to take you on a 3-dimensional turn-by-turn drive — complete with trees and overpasses — from Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite to Sam’s office in downtown Dallas! In real life it’s a 14-mile drive that takes less than 20 minutes.

Keep in mind ... 3D is NOT a particularly speedy feature so don’t be tempted to route yourself from San Diego to Bayonne, New Jersey, unless you’re planning to order a pizza and sleep at your desk. (FYI, there’s a possibility this feature isn’t 100% compatible with your computer or your browser. Please read what’s required here so you won’t get hysterical.)

And now, for the diabetics among you, allow me to recommend another website with a bazillion amazing sugar-free products: eDietShop.com. They’ve got mixes for sugar-free mousse, cheesecake and pumpkin pie, flavored gourmet syrups, beverage mixes, the entire line of those baffling zero-calorie Walden Farms products plus incredible instant pudding mixes with exotic flavors like — be still, my heart — COCONUT and CHOCOLATE MINT. I haven’t placed my first order yet so stay tuned for more details.

Thank you for reading this.

A useful resource for rubber gloves and Vaseline.

2011-12-13T16:06:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I posted about a stupid Internet bargain. Today I’m posting about a stupid website. I refer you to NationalDealz.com — “redefining the meaning of deals” — an Amazon.com knockoff that’s a complete and utter failure and recipient of the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award.

NationalDealz sent me a coupon yesterday for 10% off my first order plus free shipping, no sales tax and a huge hoo-hah promotion about how I can sign up and subscribe to all my favorite household products — exactly like I already do with Amazon — at “outrageously lower prices.” Unfortunately, you can’t buy anything from their website because they don’t actually have any merchandise. I checked nearly every category and most contain nothing at all.

The only product on the Toys & Games page is a strange frog called Dangly Buddy. There’s also a sewing machine with no product description or price, which makes perfect sense because there’s no “add to cart” button that actually lets you to buy the stupid thing.

The website’s Household Products are limited to Playtex pink rubber gloves and Vaseline. Just between us, I can’t comprehend who the hell would request regularly-scheduled deliveries of pink rubber gloves and Vaseline except a gay proctologist.

NationalDealz.com is an embarrassing website with no redeeming qualities except for an average-looking logo. Unless you’re a gay proctologist, do yourself a favor and shop at Amazon.com. Thank you for reading this.

Beware of stupid bargains … they’re everywhere.

2011-12-12T19:38:00.000-06:00

Today’s stupid Internet bargain is available at PaperGoods.com ... a 99¢ box of random overstock paper plates featuring popular designs for all occasions, such as Merry Ramadan, Baby Shower, Happy Bar Mitzvah Irving, Star Wars, Christmas, Hanukkah, Congratulations Graduate and Good Luck Reversing Your Vasectomy. I don’t know about you, but I think a person would have to be pretty damn desperate to want anything as weird as this. PaperGoods.com also offers 99¢ boxes of random overstock cups, napkins, paper tablecloths and storage bags ... and they even sweeten the deal by tacking on a $5 shipping charge.

My Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage was such a tremendous hit last week that I made it again today, and the best part is IT’S ALL MINE because Sam doesn’t like cabbage! The house smells so wonderful right now I think I’ll try to license the scent to Yankee Candle. I’m serious. Any company that sells meaningless fragrances like Be Thankful, North Pole, Storm Watch, Soft Blanket and Beach Walk should jump at the chance to distribute something truly original like Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage as a scented jar candle, tealights, votives, room spray and potpourri. I’ll make a FORTUNE.

A final thought. Amazon.com delivered my six cans of Pillsbury Sugar-Free Chocolate Fudge Frosting today ... the perfect accompaniment to the six boxes of Pillsbury Sugar-Free Classic Yellow Cake Mix that arrived on Thursday. Unfortunately, there’s only one snag ... MY NEW BAKING PAN WON’T GET HERE UNTIL TOMORROW. I’ve always heard that patience is a virtue, but in my case it would be a miracle. I might have to make a surprise attack on a can of frosting.

Thank you for reading this.

Thought for the day ... hang ‘em high.

2011-12-11T12:21:00.000-06:00

Our Sunday morning picture-hanging event is a little strained as I write this post. Sam absolutely hates doing this and there’s not much I can do or say to make it better ... I have a few new pieces that need to be hung and Sam’s the only one who can hang them. Personally, I think he was either frightened by a hammer as a small child or an unpleasant episode with his “ex” scarred him for life, because there’s no other rational explanation for the expression on his face … especially since he actually does a damn good job and everything is always perfect when he’s done. (I’m staying out of his way right now.)

I’ll take a few photos when we’re finished. Feel free to amuse yourself with other activities in the meantime.

I’m having a prescription crisis. On Friday I submitted an online refill request with Walmart for my injectable diabetes medication, and the store called a couple of hours later to tell me “Blue Cross says it’s too soon” and they can’t refill it until Tuesday, December 13. Problem is, I only have two doses left … which means I have to run out before I can get more. This sounds idiotic to me and also mighty risky. Since I believe Walmart’s story Ill have to contact somebody at Blue Cross tomorrow and find out what’s going on because I don’t think there should be an issue if you order a refill three measly days before you run out. Holy crap.

I think it’s lunch time in Howdygramland. Thanks for stopping by.

Sam and Marcy’s interesting day.

2011-12-11T06:22:00.000-06:00

It began with a freeway adventure on our way to the Choctaw Casino surrounded by dozens of blinking “oversized load” vehicles and gigantic trucks — seriously, the biggest damn trucks I’ve ever seen in my life — hauling JET AIRPLANE WINGS at least half a block long. Considering the size of their cargo they all moved along at a pretty decent clip, and Sam and I arrived at our destination just in time for lunch before the rest of the senior citizens shlepped into the buffet line. And because inquiring minds want to know, yesterday’s featured sugar-free pie was lemon meringue.

Sam was clearly our big winner at the slots. He ended the day $70 ahead and recouped everything we spent, including gas and lunch.

For the gamblers among you who might be taking notes, the Howdygram’s two favorite slot machines are Sirens and DaVinci Diamonds. We highly recommend both because you get bonuses and free spins with great background music. Also, Sirens has the best payout (and the best light show) when you get five-girls-in-a-row with the purple hair. Their boobs even start to glow. Next time I’ll bring a seat restraint for Sam so he doesn’t jump off the stool and scare people.

We’ve got two very fun things planned for today!

Fun Thing #1. Sam promised to hang some wall decor that’s been sitting in the closet for the last couple of months, mostly because he loves me and hopes I’ll stop pestering him.

Fun Thing #2. Tonight before dinner we want to drive around looking at Christmas lights. The best neighborhood in Dallas is always Highland Park starting at Preston Road and Armstrong ... certifiable mansions with lights done by professionals. (Translation: zero inflatable Santas.) We bring along Altoids and Wheat Thins so we won’t starve to death.

Thank you for reading this. I’m not joking.

Chicken-fried news and monumental topics.

2011-12-10T05:11:00.001-06:00

It wasn’t my intention to sit around writing a post at 5 in the morning because I actually woke up for another reason altogether (think bladder), but now that I’m here I might as well launch into a couple of monumental topics.

Monumental Topic #1. We received an ad in the mail yesterday for a brand new restaurant in Sunnyvale. This is a HUGE DEAL since Sunnyvale is basically ranches and mansions with zero night life — unless you’re a longhorn — or dining options. The map indicates: A) our house in Mesquite; and B) the Bull’s Pen Cafe (pictured above) on the south side of Route 80 about 10 minutes from home unless we have to wait for cattle trying to cross Collins Road. (This actually happens.) The cafe’s menu includes a wide variety of exciting Texas specialties such as six kinds of chicken-fried steak, hand-battered onion rings and deep-fried napkins.

Monumental Topic #2. We’re still planning a trip to the Choctaw Casino today so maybe I should go back to bed for a few hours. I do NOT want to conk out at a slot machine and embarrass Sam.

Thank you for reading this.

Who would you rather see naked?

2011-12-09T19:04:00.000-06:00

Exciting news from Howdygramland ... we’re going to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the PENNY SLOTS and eat at their REALLY NICE BUFFET with SUGAR-FREE PIE. Yee-ha! I’m guessing we’ll probably hit the road by 10 a.m. and get there just in time for an early lunch. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite, Texas; and B) the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. It’s about an hour’s drive, during which we sing songs and play our favorite road game: “Who Would You Rather See Naked.” (Richard Nixon loses every time.)

I’m also thrilled to report that our latest local edition of “Ad Pages” magazine has a whole bunch of extremely valuable coupons for Denny’s. We love Denny’s, we love their senior citizen menu featuring Senior Scrambled Eggs for $5.50, and I, for one, personally appreciate that nobody ever annoys us for IDs when we order from the senior menu. All I have to do is wave my cane at the waitress.

For your possible interest the aforementioned valuable coupons include:

Buy one entree get one free
20% off your entire check
$5 off if you spend $20
$10 off if you spend $30

We probably won’t use coupons 3 and 4, however, because Denny’s menu is surprisingly cheap and the only way to blow that much money on one check would to bring a lot of friends ... and we don’t have any. (I’m referring to friends, not money.)

In preparation for baking my very first sugar-free Pillsbury cake with sugar-free Pillsbury frosting (see previous post) I ordered an inexpensive Farberware cake pan today from Amazon.com that’s nonstick with a snap-on lid. Seriously, you wouldn’t expect to get so many high-end features for only $11. God bless Amazon!

My cake mixes were delivered yesterday and I intend to start baking as soon as the frosting and cake pan arrive ... hopefully by Wednesday. Please send an email if you want me to save you a piece of cake and thank you for reading this.

No pretzels and the sweaters from hell.

2011-12-09T03:11:00.000-06:00

Lucky you … I’m wide awake at 2:30 a.m., posting another intriguing entry to the Howdygram with a nice, tall Marcy-tini to keep me company. A bowl of pretzels would be swell, too, but we don’t have any in the pantry and I’m way too old for a middle-of-the-night snack run to Walmart. Plus it’s 34° outside. I may be hungry, but I’m not crazy.

And now, something from the Howdygram’s “It’s Great To Be Jewish” department ... classic examples of designer Christmas fashions for goyim. I’d be willing to bet the models posing below also have neon reindeer and inflatable spinning Santas on their front lawns, just like our neighbor across the street.

I should think about going to bed now. Our handyman, Gary, is coming over later today to do a couple of projects for us — such as re-caulking the shower in the master bathroom — and it would be really nice if I didn’t need an afternoon nap because I stayed up all night writing about pretzels, Christmas sweaters and caulk.

Incidentally, there are only 11 more days until Hanukkah, so please stay tuned for my official wish list. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

A Thursday evening postscript.

2011-12-08T20:33:00.000-06:00

Yo, Howdygramsters! I thought I’d share a pair of fabulous video clips that I discovered tonight. First, here’s President Obama’s amazing stand-up comedy routine at the White House correspondents’ dinner, where he rips into Donald Trump, Michelle Bachmann and that stupid “birther” issue. I’m positive Obama could do this as a second career after he serves another term as president.

And now ... the most awkward “Wheel of Fortune” moment EVER.

And finally, I discovered another incredible sugar-free product this week … DaVinci Sugar-Free Syrups to jazz up your coffee, cold drinks and desserts. They sell about 30 amazing gourmet flavors (all available with or without sugar) and you can order them on DaVinci’s website. I bought the sugar-free Egg Nog flavor (see photo at right) so I can make myself a few festive milkshakes during the holidays. Other flavors include Caramel, English Toffee, Irish Creme, Chocolate, Marshmallow, Kahlua and every imaginable kind of fruit. DaVinci Syrup is also sold by Amazon.com but Amazon’s prices are actually higher. I have no idea why.

Thanks for stopping by.

Thursday is my favorite day of the week except for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

2011-12-08T17:19:00.000-06:00

I’m having an excellent day! My house is spotless, I’ve got something fabulous in the oven, there’s great stuff recorded on my DVR — “Top Chef,” four episodes of “People’s Court” and Gigi, to name a few — and tonight there’s a lineup of nine amazing William Powell movies on TCM. These include The Last of Mrs. Cheyney, High Pressure, My Man Godfrey, Reckless and a quirky little film with Bette Davis called Fashions of 1934 that’s definitely worth recording, mostly because it’s not like any of her other performances and won’t be on until 6:45 tomorrow morning.

Guess what! Our new leather bench from Amazon.com was delivered yesterday! It’s gorgeous, and as soon as Sam assembled it this morning I embarked upon a little interior decorating spree that I’d like to share by posting the two photos that appear below. The new leather bench sits at the foot of our bed, and observant Howdygram readers will recognize immediately that the bench we used have in the master bedroom was relocated into the family room in front of the fireplace. There will be a pop quiz on Monday.

Does anybody else besides me want creepy Jerry Sandusky to get whacked with a two-by-four, run over by a snowplow and accidentally shoved off a cliff? In a recent poll he was named “most hated person” in the United States, with Rod Blagojevich landing in second place. I think lots of people have a short memory, however, since Casey Anthony and Joran Van der Sloot apparently didn’t even make the list. Personally, I’m an equal opportunity hater. They all suck.

Thank you for reading this.

Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage.

2011-12-07T20:47:00.001-06:00

As promised … here’s the Howdygram’s official recipe for Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage, a mighty tasty no-brainer entree that’s fun to feed your family on a cold December night. However, it’s also okay to eat the whole pot all by yourself because it tastes just as good with or without company. I’ve tried it both ways.

2½ lbs. lean ground beef
½ cup raw long-grain rice
1 small onion, minced
2 raw eggs
salt and freshly-ground black pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
1 large head of green cabbage
2 cans tomato sauce (8 oz. each)
1 can diced tomatoes with liquid (15 oz.)
1 can tomato paste
2 cups water
¼ cup apple cider vinegar
6 to 8 packets of Equal*

Preheat your oven to 350°. In a bowl blend the tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, tomato paste, water, vinegar and Equal*. Add half the mixture to the bottom of a decent-size roasting pan or large casserole. Coarsely whack up the head of cabbage and add it to the pan. Moosh up the ground beef, rice, onion, eggs and thyme; season with salt and pepper to your taste. Form into jumbo meatballs about 3 inches in diameter and place on the cabbage. Pour the rest of the tomato mixture on top of everything. Cover the pan and bake at 350° for 1 hour; reduce the temperature to 325° and bake for 2 hours more. Then stand back and wait for the stampede.

*Feel free to use ¼ cup of brown sugar instead of Equal.

Keep in mind ... this is a million times faster than the traditional recipe for “stuffed” cabbage rolls because you don’t have to core and parboil a whole cabbage and wrap up each meatball in its own individual leaf. I’m a girl who loves good food, shortcuts and plenty of napkins. Trust me.

What a difference a day makes.

2011-12-07T13:54:00.001-06:00

Once again I began my day following “all things Blagojevich” on Twitter, and about an hour ago Illinois’ egomaniacal ex-governor finally received justice for a long list of criminal convictions and abuse of power. He attempted to manipulate the court for leniency this morning but Judge Zagel and the prosecutors were having none of it. And so, although you’ve probably already heard the news by now, Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. We’re so damn excited here at Howdygram headquarters that I’ve decided to spend the whole afternoon eating halva and making Hungarian stuffed cabbage in my brand new roasting pan. Please send an email if you can think of a better way to celebrate, keeping in mind that I’m home alone and not allowed to drink alcohol. Thank you.

FYI, “14 golden years” refers to a famous quote from the FBI’s surveillance tapes when Blagojevich ranted about Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat being “bleepin’ golden” and “I’m not givin’ it away for bleepin’ nothing.” The genius then tried to sell the Senate seat to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million, and the FBI showed up on Blago’s doorstep 24 hours later with handcuffs.

I seriously hope the prison system shaves his head.

Stay tuned for another post later today. I’ll include my recipe for Hungarian stuffed cabbage and maybe a couple of photos. L’chaim!

Sugar-free hysteria by Amazon.com.

2011-12-06T22:25:00.000-06:00

Holy mackerel … I discovered PILLSBURY SUGAR-FREE FROSTING AND CAKE MIXES tonight on Amazon.com! I’ve never seen these products in supermarkets and never even knew they were available until I found them by accident online. I was actually looking for sugar-free brownies, figuring I’d end up buying something ready-made. Glorioski, what a find! Amazon has sugar-free Pillsbury frosting in three flavors, all kinds of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar-free Pillsbury brownie mixes and even SUGAR-FREE SPRINKLES in case you want to decorate some silly cupcakes. Here’s what I ordered ...

There’s a minor drawback to all this sugar-free hysteria, however. You have to order everything in packages of six — six boxes of cake mix, six cans of frosting — and the grand total turns out to be a little higher than you’d expect. Therefore I’ll try not to mention any of this to Sam until absolutely necessary.

When was the last time you saw The Towering Inferno? I probably hadn’t seen this movie for at least 30 years, but I recorded it on one of the movie channels last week and watched it tonight. Although I’m not usually into disaster movies (especially anything from shlockmeister Irwin Allen) the Inferno has held up nicely over time as an amazing film with scary special effects and a genuine all-star cast that includes Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Fred Astaire, William Holden, Jennifer Jones, Robert Wagner, Faye Dunaway and — no kidding — O.J. Simpson as a semi-sissy security guard who rescues a kitten.

Sam just got home from work so it’s time to sign off. Nice to see you again. Don’t forget to floss, okay?

Famous Sams from history and other important issues.

2011-12-06T16:55:00.000-06:00

It’s Tuesday afternoon and I thought I’d spend a few minutes updating y’all on the latest developments in Rod Blagojevich’s sentencing hearing. I’m actually following the fun on Twitter, where representatives from Fox, ABC, CBS, the Better Government Association, the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago Magazine, the Huffington Post, Statehouse Magazine and a variety of other news outlets are tweeting minute-by-minute courtroom events. So far the only things I know for sure are: 1) Judge Zagel isn’t buying into any of the defense attorneys’ crap; 2) most reporters think Blago will get 17 years; 3) Mrs. Blago blows her nose a lot; and 4) everybody got back from lunch at 1:30.

In other news, it was way too cold to venture out for a haircut today so I’ve decided to eat leftover Chinese food and address a few holiday cards, with specific emphasis on the word “few.” You may recall that last year Sam and I mailed dozens of holiday cards but received only three ... and one was from our dentist decorated with unnaturally happy molars. Bottom line ... I don’t care if the world turns into a herd of Ebenezers but I’d appreciate a little advance notice so I won’t waste my money on an extra sheet of stamps. Thank you.

UPS just delivered my new roasting pan. This is so exciting I want to take a picture of it, so don’t go away!

And now, for those of you who think this blog tends to be just a bunch of pointless but brilliantly-written fluff, I’m pleased to provide the following web-based course of study from our very own Howdygram University.

Sam “Momo” Giancana (1908–1975) was a Sicilian-American mobster who ran the Chicago Outfit from 1957 to 1966. Also known as “Mooney” and “Sam the Cigar.”
Sammy Davis, Jr. (1925–1990) was a teeny American dancer and singer also known for his impersonations of other celebrities. Davis started in vaudeville at three years old and went on to become a world-famous recording artist and a member of Frank Sinatra’s “Rat Pack.” He married several white women.
Samuel Adams (1722–1803) was Governor of Massachusetts, a delegate to the Continental Congress, organized the Boston Tea Party and signed the Declaration of Independence. He’s considered a Founding Father of the United States and was also a cousin to President John Adams. I don’t believe this over-achiever ever manufactured beer.
Samuel Houston (1793–1863) was a U.S. lawyer and politician who led the struggle of U.S. emigrants in Mexican territory to win control of Texas and make it part of the United States. The city of Austin was named for him. (Just kidding.)
Samuel Goldwyn (1879–1974), birth name Shmoyel Goldfish, was a pioneer in American filmmaking and one of Hollywood’s most prominent producers for more than 30 years.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835–1910), better-known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for growing a screwy mustache but still found time to write “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” (1876) and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” (1885).
Samuel Johnson (1709–1784) was an English editor, journalist and poet with truly stupid hair who produced the groundbreaking Dictionary of the English Language in 1755.
Samuel Marks (born 1959) is an extremely tall financial printer of the highest caliber. He has green eyes, loves ice cream sandwiches, baby carrots and raisins and serves as the Howdygram’s official mascot.
Son of Sam (born 1953) is an American serial killer and arsonist named David Berkowitz who claimed he was commanded to kill people by a demon that possessed his neighbor’s dog. He has been in prison since 1977, which is a damn good place for him.

Thanks for stopping by. Y’all come back now, okay?

Retiree activities and Governor Nitwit bites the dust.

2011-12-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

Good morning, and welcome to winter in Texas. Even though we didn’t wind up with any snow yesterday it’s still 31° and way too cold, which means I have zero plans to leave the house in the foreseeable future although I might decide to get a haircut. Staying home is fine, however, because I accomplished a lot on Monday even though I never got around to baking that loaf of barley bread. For example, I did four loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, wrote a post for the Howdygram, ate a bagel and three chocolate-covered marshmallows, folded socks and watched The Seven Little Foys with Bob Hope. If you think this sounds lame, please keep in mind that I’m a retired person with no huge motivation to do anything else

Goodbye, Blago. Don’t forget to write. This is it, Howdygramsters ... the hoo-hah of the decade! Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich gets sentenced today in Federal court in Chicago, an unscripted reality show that’s destined make “Top Chef” look like a cooking competition. (Wait. “Top Chef” is a cooking competition.) Blagojevich was convicted last summer on 17 counts of corruption for attempted shakedowns, conspiracy, racketeering, extortion, lying to the FBI and trying to sell Barack Obama’s former seat in the U.S. Senate to the highest bidder (in particular, to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million). The worst part? Governor Nitwit is still defiant, insisting that because he didn’t actually make any money from his schemes, and since his attempts to extort millions of dollars in campaign contributions from Children’s Memorial Hospital, the Chicago Tribune and a horse-racing executive were rejected, none of his activities should be considered criminal.

He’s dead wrong, of course. It was ALL criminal, especially the fact that he was the ringleader. But the main reason they’ll throw the book at this snotty toad is because he still hasn’t taken responsibility or shown a shred of remorse. His cohorts have all been tried and convicted with substantial prison terms, yet today in court Blago’s attorneys plan to ask the judge for — no kidding — PROBATION. (He should get 15 years to life for that stupid hair alone.)

Sentencing is expected to take two days with the final announcement tomorrow. This is so exciting I probably won’t be able to ~~shop, eat or~~ sleep.

And now for something competely scary. A pair of photos ... Ellie May Clampett, then and now. Oy.

Thank you for reading this.

Hot topics for Monday: socks, bread, boobies and cats who love figure skating.

2011-12-05T15:43:00.000-06:00

Today is laundry day in Howdygramland. When I finish this post it’s my plan to curl up in the family room with a Marcy-tini, a William Powell movie and a 50-pound basket of socks and underwear. Please feel free to drop in with a nice coffee cake or — better yet — a large order of those new fries from Burger King. (The suspense is killing me.)

Immediately after my Monday afternoon folding marathon the main attraction in the Howdygram Test Kitchen will be “Marcy Bakes a Loaf of Barley Bread.” I honestly can’t think of anything better on a cold and crappy day than hot bread and butter ... although Cheetos, Mongolian chicken and halva also come to mind. Plus pizza.

Glorioski ... guess what shipped today! My roasting pan! My leather bench! My insulin needles! My furry throw! My wax paper! It’s a shopper’s paradise around here after receiving a string of happy emails from Amazon and Overstock.com. Everything should arrive by Thursday, at which time I’ll post an update with pictures.

And now for some breaking news. According to the Associated Press, a south Florida geezer has been sentenced to 13 months in prison for offering free door-to-door breast exams at a local apartment complex. Phillip Winikoff (pictured below), 81, managed to assault two victims before the police caught up with him.

Even though the Broward County prosecutor’s office has labeled Winikoff a “sex offender,” I think he’s just a resourceful old dude trying to find a way to squeeze a few boobies. The Einsteins who should go to prison are the two stupid women who opened the door and said YES.

And finally, in an effort to maintain the Howdygram’s overall cuteness level here’s a video clip I think you’ll enjoy. It’s a litter of kittens watching and reacting to a figure skating competition on Japanese TV.

Thank you for reading this.

Welcome to Marcy’s whine and cheese party.

2011-12-05T05:01:00.001-06:00

Let’s talk about crappy weather for a minute, shall we? Although I’m not going to moan about two consecutive days of mostly nonstop rain (we need every inch we can get), I am going to voice a complaint about FREEZING TEMPERATURES, ICE AND SNOW because it’s not even officially winter and this isn’t supposed to happen yet. (If anybody important is reading this I hope you’re taking notes.) The map below shows you what’s going on here.

The red star off to the right indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. We’ve got heavy rain right now, but the pink and blue crapola — a huge area representing ICE and SNOW — is moving east at a fairly speedy clip and the rain apparently will turn to snow here by 7 a.m. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if Weather.com got it wrong this time. I’m not ready for snow and I don’t care who knows it.

I think I’ll go back to bed now and annoy Sam. Thank you for reading this.

Sports news, trivia and general baloney.

2011-12-04T18:58:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write a post hours and hours ago but haven’t had the motivation because it’s been cold, rainy, dark and crappy for the last couple of days, making it damn near impossible to drag myself off the couch for anything except looking for the remote or getting snacks. Sam and I have been drifting in and out of naps for 48 hours, and the only reason we’re awake right now is because we just finished watching Tiger Woods win the Chevron Open — MAZEL TOV TIGER! — his first tournament win in two years. I’m so happy I could eat a golf ball.

And as long as I’m covering sports news I should also mention that today was Dallas’ annual White Rock Marathon, where tens of thousands of runners in ski hats and thermal underwear braved 45° temperatures and steady rain. Santa was entered but didn’t win because he’s a pasty white dude from the North Pole. (The top three finishers were all from Kenya.)

Last night I ordered a box of insulin needles from Amazon.com. This is no big deal whatsoever but I thought I’d mention it in case you’re keeping track of such things. A photo appears below for your possible interest.

I watched a couple of excellent suspense movies yesterday on TCM. The first was Crossroads with Hedy Lamarr and William Powell, which was a stupendous drama with stupendous plot twists, stupendous clothes and stupendous supporting players like the stupendous Basil Rathbone. Is there anybody who doesn’t love Basil Rathbone?

Then I watched a gritty film noir thing called While the City Sleeps about a bunch of cut-throat reporters all trying to scoop each other on a serial murder case. It featured a cast of thousands such as George Sanders, Rhonda Fleming, Howard Duff, Ida Lupino, Vincent Price and Dana Andrews ... the crown prince of deadpan, alcoholic boredom who played the same damn character in every single movie. While the City Sleeps also provided a close-up look at American goyim in the 1950s, where everybody walks into the local bar for a ham sandwich and milk. A ham sandwich and milk? They may as well ask for pig’s feet and a boilermaker. Holy crap.

The Howdygram is pleased to announce the following monumental events for the week ahead. For instance ...

December 5: Bigger French fries debut at Burger King
December 6: Rod Blagojevich is sentenced in Federal court
December 7: Pearl Harbor is bombed by the Japanese (1941)
December 8: John Lennon is shot in New York (1980)
December 9: Charles and Diana announce their separation (1992)

We heard today that Sam’s amazing Aunt Adie drove herself to the hospital on Friday with appendicitis, performed her own surgery and checked out Saturday morning. Okay, I might be kidding about performing her own surgery (I’m pretty sure she had a regular doctor) but she did drive herself to the emergency room and she did go home the very next day. What a shame she didn’t have an opportunity to whine a lot and make relatives bring her jello, Hershey bars and Cheetos! (Next time, Adie, call me for a few tips on the way to the hospital.)

And finally, the U.S. Post Office has announced news so outrageous I actually laughed out loud. Due to budget constraints, beginning January 1 there will be no more next-day delivery for first-class mail. Somebody help me wrap my head around this … what zip code in fantasyland has ever received next-day ANYTHING from the post office? (Every time I mail a birthday card it takes a week and a half.)

And now I think I’ll try to con Sam into ordering Chinese for dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking and I desperately need something with a lot of hot sauce. Thank you for reading this.

Why do bald people love cowboy hats?

2011-12-03T02:39:00.000-06:00

The headlines are all over the place ... Herman Cain has something GINORMOUS to announce today! Although he’s not giving out any advance hints, most media sources — including the Howdygram news desk — can pretty much guess what’s going on. Herman will either tell us there’s a two-for-one sale at Godfather Pizza or he’s pulling out of the GOP race because all of his former female friends, co-workers and money-grubbing pals in skirts just can’t stop making up stories about him. In my personal opinion the dude is pretty damn stupid to run for national office with so much crap piled up in his past. And his poor wife is probably so disgusted she’s ready to shove that hat up his nose.

An Arresting Development. And now for something completely different. On Friday in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a 13-year-old middle school student was arrested for burping in gym class. His teacher called the school resource officer, who asked law enforcement authorities to arrest him for “interfering with public education.” The Albuquerque Police were fine with that and think it’s a good idea to arrest a child for being a kid — when did belching become illegal? — and haul him downtown to the central detention facility without contacting his parents, who are suing.

Last year the boy’s attorney said she won a class action suit against the Albuquerque Police Department for routinely arresting children for nonviolent crimes. That suit was started by the parents of a girl in grammar school who was arrested for not wanting to sit next to a boy with B.O. Albuquerque is frightening. I’ll bet they have a firing squad if you pass notes in study hall.

The Latest Jobs Report. I’ve been reading and enjoying the new 600-page biography about Steve Jobs (the one released two weeks after he died) and thought I’d mention something that really interested me. Steve was adopted as a baby. Although he eventually developed a close relationship with a biological sister, he never knew or wanted to meet his biological father, who’s pictured below. I think this is sort of an eerie look into the future if Steve had lived to be 80 years old. Amazing, isn’t it? They even wear the same glasses!

I’m not tired enough to sleep yet so I think I’ll refill my glass of Coke Zero and read for a while. Thanks for stopping by.

A quick addendum to my previous post.

2011-12-02T19:25:00.000-06:00

I forgot to mention that I also ordered this classic roasting pan today from Amazon.com because I intend to start making my own Hungarian stuffed cabbage here at Howdygram headquarters.

A number of years ago I invented a lazy cook’s version of this intensely popular dish so I don’t actually have to “stuff” anything whatsoever. I just do gigantic seasoned meatballs on a pile of cut-up cabbage with my own sugar-free sweet and sour tomato sauce made with Equal. When the time comes I’ll post my recipe.

Thank you for reading this. I’m having mozzarella sticks for dinner.