Tens of millions forget to show up for Operation Putzfest.

In this post: Grout people, Cliven Bundy, Operation Putzfest.

Okay, first I have to apologize for lying in my last post. Clayton, leader of the grout people, called about half an hour ago to ask if he could come over tomorrow instead of today because TRAFFIC and RUSH HOUR. Plus he knows Sam isn’t home tonight. Wise move. Clayton obviously realizes I plan to beat the living crap out of him and he thinks Sam would stop me. (He’d be wrong, by the way.)

I’ve got some breaking news right now from the ever-expanding universe of right-wing horseshit. Apparently the Bundy ranch camouflaged failuremen have decided to ask for financial support from the general public while they sit around polishing grenades in the Nevada desert to protect Cliven Bundy’s God-given right to steal from the United States.

One enterprising militiaman douchebag named Christopher Ferrell even set up a plea for money on GoFundMe because life as an anti-government patriot is expensive as well as unproductive. His page contains the following statement:

I am coming to you to humbly ask for your help. We may be the front line soldiers facing down an overbearing government bureaucracy, but we are first off family men and women that have our own homes and jobs and families left behind to take on this endeavor. Therefore we have spent our fortunes for freedom and love of our fellow man and need your help to continue our efforts to keep all Americans free from tyranny. Please if you can spare even a few dollars for food, fuel and supplies to continue the stand against tyranny and an overbearing government please help. Even the smallest amount will help keep up the pressure to return this land to the people.

As you can see the welfare drive isn’t breaking any records. Ferrell brought in a total of $170 from five donors ... definitely shy of his $100,000 goal.

But wait ... there’s more! It seems that tens of millions of patriotic revolutionaries forgot to show up today for Operation American Spring Putzfest in Washington, D.C. “It’s a very dismal turnout,” Jackie Milton, the head of Texans for Operation American Spring, told The Washington Times. “We were getting over two inches of rain an hour in parts of Virginia this morning. Now it’s a nice sunny day. But this is a very poor turnout. It ain’t no millions. And it ain’t looking like there’s going to be millions. A hundred is more like it.” Think of it as a Tupperware party with flags and banners.

Raw Story, which was following the day’s events, reported that a live-stream was posted online but for most of the day the feed only aired a boring call-in show hosted by conservative radio host Mark Connors, who said he was “broadcasting from a tour bus about 10 miles away from the National Mall” because he couldn’t park any closer. Actually, this event is such an embarrassment that Connors probably got lost on purpose somewhere in Virginia and doesn’t want to be found. A caller from North Carolina said he was afraid that Obama would declare martial law and begin executing Christian citizens as a prelude to civil war, and another caller from Michigan said he had to sell his jet skis because Obama is poisoning the waterways with chemtrails.

So much for overthrowing the United States and installing a tribunal in the name of the Constitution. Holy crap.

If anybody wants to split a pizza with me please raise your hand within the next ten minutes. Thank you.