“I don’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan.

In this post: Shopping extravaganzas, a duo of douchebags.

Aside from braunschweiger sandwiches and afternoon naps the most fun a senior citizen can have at Howdygram headquarters is SHOPPING, so I began yesterday with a modest extravaganza on Amazon that included a foaming soap pump for the master bathroom, a pair of 28-inch telescoping backscratchers for yours truly and The Inspector General DVD starring Danny Kaye. It just doesn’t get much better than this!

Incidentally, I already have one of these foaming soap pumps in our guest bathroom and absolutely love the damn thing because it’s so economical you could have a nervous breakdown. You pour one inch of liquid soap — I use a nice-quality dishwashing liquid like Palmolive — in the base and add tap water to the fill line. That’s it. When you press down on the pump you get WADS OF MAGICAL FLUFFY FOAM exactly like the bathroom at the Choctaw Casino, and it LASTS FOREVER!

But I digress. This morning I also ordered the following treasures from Wal-Mart: 1) a box of chocolate brownie Clif Bars for Sam; 2) Fritos original bean dip, 3) Wal-Mart’s store brand French onion dip in a jar that gets five-star reviews; 4) two cans of sausage hash because I was really hungry; 5) a six-pack of Mezzetta Chicago-style hot Italian giardiniera; and 6) a one-gallon disposal jug for my used insulin pen needles, insulin syringes and finger-stabby things.

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And now ... let’s have a Putz of the Week! I’d like to introduce off-the-charts extremist David Lory VanDerBeek, Nevada’s Constitution Party candidate for Governor in 2014. In addition to failing to win election to the U.S. Senate in 2012, VanDerBeek has posted a number of hours-long videos to YouTube to educate America that President Obama is exactly like Hitler, which he proves by describing what Hitler did to seize power in Nazi Germany and pretty soon Barack Obama will probably do all the same things. VanDerBeek prays that we’ll avoid a second civil war but he has guns and a boner just in case. If elected Governor of Nevada VanDerBeek promises to grant clemency and protection to any members of the Mafia who come forward with evidence of Obama’s crimes. Please try not to laugh while you’re reading this.

VanDerBeek is convinced that his brave opinions — such as speaking out against fluoride, vaccinations and chemtrails — and being “the only major political leader in the U.S. willing to ask real questions about Sandy Hook” (he thinks the government staged the massacre to seize everybody’s guns), place him in mortal danger from federal agents. He also wants to put a LOT of people in prison for treason, starting with Barack Hussein Obama but also including “every member of Congress … that voted for the National Defense Authorization Act,” and claims that all terrorist attacks on the U.S. have been staged by the government so it can strip citizens of their rights. He says the TSA is exactly like the Gestapo, modern law enforcement attracts perverts, and the whole thing is just disgusting enough to drive a good Mormon family man to take a righteous stand: “I’m tying to be civil about this. I don’t want to become a cold-blooded killer of police officers. I really don’t want to do that.”

The Howdygram thinks “I don’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan. How about you?

Ah, but there’s more! You probably won’t be surprised to learn that douchebag VanDerBeek is also a devoted supporter of douchebag anti-government welfare rancher Cliven Bundy, who owes the United States more than $1 million in grazing fees and penalties for allowing his cattle to graze for more than 20 years on federally-owned land. During the last few weeks Bundy rallied armed militias to his ranch in Nevada to force a standoff with government agents. A solid citizen and a true patriot. He even carries a portrait of George Washington in his shirt pocket because GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Thank you for stopping by. It’s time to eat leftovers now.