Great Britain, where 14th century Halloween costumes are a way of life.

Sometimes it’s hard to write a Howdygram post. Like today, for instance. I’m not feeling funny or creative and I’m more than a little under the weather — i.e., my right knee hurts, I’ve got chills and I think I’m developing a bladder infection. That being said, however, I do have some newsworthy crap to discuss with you, which I’ll tackle in three parts.

NEWSWORTHY CRAP, PART ONE. First up, an overdressed volunteer loudmouth showed up in front of St. Mary’s Hospital in London a couple of days ago to announce the royal birth at the top of his lungs. Tony Appleton, a town crier from the village of Romford, apparently was photographed and interviewed by American journalists who figured he was an official representative from Buckingham Palace. Although I’m sure the Brits are having a good laugh about this, it’s an easy mistake to make in a country where 14th century Halloween costumes are a way of life. I’m just saying.

NEWSWORTHY CRAP, PART TWO. Last month Sheriff Joe Arpaio, law enforcement’s racist right-wing poster boy from the great state of Arizona, sent a deputy to New York to track down a homicidal maniac named David Lee Simpson, who came to Arpaio’s attention during the Jody Arias trial for tweeting that he wanted to tie CNN’s Nancy Grace to a tree and slit her throat. Frankly, I’m not sure why there was a problem with this since most of America would probably get behind Simpson’s plan.

Simpson was eventually apprehended, however, and a search of his car turned up at least two guns as well as “ammunition, handcuffs, zip-ties, binoculars, a knife and a police radio.” This may be the first time Joe Arpaio has ever been featured in an article and not been the worst person in it.

NEWSWORTHY CRAP, PART THREE. In case you’re wondering what George Zimmerman’s been doing since getting away with the murder of Trayvon Martin, he’s still lurking at intersections in his beloved community of Sanford, Florida, and still trying to play super-hero. This time Zimmerman and another man pulled Mark and Dana Gerstle and their two children unharmed out of their blue SUV following an accident near the spot where Zimmerman shot and killed Martin. Mark O’Mara, Zimmerman’s lawyer, immediately decided to host a big press conference to congratulate “the quintessential George” but was forced to call it off after the Gerstles backed out. “The family does not want to be associated with George,” O’Mara told reporters, and after thanking Zimmerman for his help the Gerstles declined to make any public statement. I love this story a lot, people. A photo of creepy George and his creepy lawyer appear below. They should go split a large pizza or something.

It’s a few minutes past 6 and I’m contemplating dinner. Although there are are a million tasty possibilities, at the moment I think I’m leaning towards my favorite low-carb CarbQuik biscuits, a couple of nice scrambled eggs and a glass of chocolate Soy Slender soy milk.

If I feel better after dinner — go back and check out the first paragraph, plus I just discovered I’m running a fever — I’ll try to finish the last two loads of laundry, but I’m not promising anything. Right now all I want is food and a blanket. Thank you.